What is True Etiquette?

One’s etiquette in social situations is the key foundation to having strong relationships with others. This article is the thirty-third in a series from the On Demand Course: Discussion on Sulami’s Adab of Keeping Company.

Someone asked al-Hasan al-Basri, “What is the most beneficial of proper manners?” He gave a few components to the response. He said, “It is gaining deep understanding of religion, renunciation of worldliness, and knowing Allah’s rights over you.” 

The purpose of beneficial knowledge is to have the capacity for sound and right action in the circumstances one is in. That is the knowledge that you need. Know how to worship Allah soundly. If you are married, ensure that you know how to uphold a sound marriage. Act better by divine standards.

Renounce Worldliness

We could renounce worldliness even when thinking about food. You could go to the fanciest restaurant in town, or you could go to a good restaurant, but rather than spending $250 you could spend $125 and get some meals for the poor and needy. 

Charity begins at home. If you order food, for example, support somebody. Send something that they like over to their place. Get something for the neighbor.  Upholding proper manner enables one to loosen one’s grip on worldliness.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) was asked, “Tell me about something I can do that will cause Allah to love me and people to love me.” The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Renounce worldliness, and Allah will love you, and renounce what’s in the hands of people and they will love you.” Renouncing what is in the hands of people means renouncing mere luxury for the sake of luxury and that renounces ostentation.

Attain Devotion

Often people do things to keep up with the Joneses: “My neighbor got a new car, how can I have an old car? So and so got all these new things, and I need some of those things, how can I wear the same set of clothes to another wedding?” If someone is shallow enough to judge you just because you wore the same dress from a previous wedding, that is their problem, not yours. 

Rather than buying a fancy suit for someone’s wedding, maybe help someone else get a suit. Give the people getting married a meaningful gift instead. 

One of the ways of securing one’s blessings is if you get something good, think about getting the same thing with somebody else. Allah says:

لَن تَنَالُوا۟ ٱلۡبِرَّ حَتَّىٰ تُنفِقُوا۟ مِمَّا تُحِبُّونَۚ 

“None of you shall attain devotion to their Lord in every good, until you spend of what you truly love” [Quran, 3:92; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]

Know Allah’s rights over you. Know Him and devote yourself to Him. Submit to Him. Fulfill the rights of His creation for His sake.

Adab with Allah

One of the great early Muslims, Yahya ibn Mu‘adh al-Razi, tells us, “Whoever upholds adab with Allah becomes of the people of Allah’s love.”  

Allah deals with His creation through mercy, gentleness, and forgivingness. Allah gives us opportunity after opportunity. The All-Merciful shows mercy to the merciful. Be merciful to those on earth and the Lord of mercy will be merciful to you. 

Etiquette is seeking to be beloved to Allah. Take the opportunity. Do not neglect the opportunity for good. In general, things that benefit others are greater in reward than things that benefit oneself. Do not neglect yourself though. Given the choice between doing six units of optional prayer and visiting your sick neighbor, visiting your sick neighbor has greater reward. This, however, does not mean that you neglect the sunna.

Protect the Sunna

It is mentioned that whoever is neglectful of the sunna is punished by being prevented from one’s obligations. Proper manners protect the sunna, the sunna protects the obligatory. 

وَمَا خَلَقۡتُ ٱلۡجِنَّ وَٱلۡإِنسَ إِلَّا لِیَعۡبُدُونِ

“Nor have I created jinn and Man, but to worship Me” [Quran, 51:56; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]

What is worship, devotion, and submission about? It is recognizing and knowing the One you worship – the One you are devoted and submit to. Worship is not about the worshiper. It is not about the worship. It is about the One who is worshipped. 

Proper manners are the protective layer for all of religion. By compromising proper manners, the sunnas go. When the sunnas go, it threatens the obligatory. Both the obligatory with Allah and the obligatory with Allah’s creation. If that goes, your very connection to the Divine is under threat.

We should intend all good in every way completely. Take on what you can sustain. Rushing is contrary to the Sunna. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) reportedly said, “Truly this religion is deep so enter its depths gently.”

Be Gentle

Be gradual. Do things deliberately and sustainably that build. The rider who rushes travels no distance, nor preserves their ride. Getting on a horse and riding it full tilt, results in the horse not getting very far. You could end up killing the horse. 

Who is your ride on this journey? It is you. Be gentle with it. Demand and commit to excellence by building habits gradually, step by step, and sustainably. 

People’s temperaments are different. People’s circumstances are different. Someone who is young and does not have a lot of worldly responsibilities. They have a lot more discretion about whatever money they have than someone who has older children and parents that need looking after. 

Do not forget to consult. Things may seem difficult but someone who knows may be able to give you very simple solutions.

Know Yourself

Take care of having a good diet and exercise. It plays an incredible role in what a person can tolerate. Take care of yourself.

Abdullah ibn al-Mubarak defined proper manners in a very interesting way. He said, “Adab (proper manners) is to know yourself and to know your wayward tendencies.”

Know your weaknesses and avoid your weaknesses. If a person lacks patience or is too self-centered, they should realize that and address it.