Sincere Counsel

One’s etiquette in social situations is the key foundation to having strong relationships with others. This article is the thirtieth in a series taken from the On Demand Course: Discussion on Sulami’s Adab of Keeping Company.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us, “Religion is sincere counsel.”

Advice is a means for conveying sincere concern. It should be done in private wherever possible, not in public. Strive to be clear with them about what is best for them. 

Nasiha is sincere concern. It is to care for the good of another. That is what is expressed. Be clear to them about what is best for them. Consider, “Will this benefit the person?” Then you speak. 

Be careful not to do it for any selfish reasons. Do it for their benefit, not as a means to express yourself and put them down. Have you lifted the person or put them down?  

Ibn Abi Salama

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace)  talked to Umm Salama after her husband, Abu Salama, whom she loved dearly passed away. When Umm Salama was asked, “Who is the best of the Companions of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace),” she would say Abu Salama. 

When he passed away, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) giving his condolences, it had been revealed to him that he would be marrying her. So he said, “Inshallah, Allah will marry you to someone better than him.” She said,” There is no one better than him” to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace).  When the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) asked for her hand in marriage, she was honored, but she said, “I cannot do it.” She had young children and she feared that they disturb the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace).

He reportedly said, “No, they wouldn’t disturb me.” From her children was Umar ibn Abi Salama. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) married Umm Salama, so her son was in the household. Food was served and little Umar jumped onto the food, literally. He attacked the food with both hands, eating from all over, and he did not say Bismillah. 

How would most of us correct somebody? The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) did not put him down. He lifted him up. “Dear child,” he said (Allah bless him and give him peace), “mention the name of Allah.” He did not say, Why did you do such and such? But rather he uplifted him. 

“Eat with your right hand.” Again, it is something the person can do. “And eat from what is in front of you.” That is something that the person can do.

Positive Influence

One of the companions, Muwiyah Ibn al-Hakam, had been traveling when the prohibition of talking during the prayer came. Before you could talk in the prayer. 

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) took this upset Companion aside, away from the others. And Muawaiyah said, “I have never seen a teacher more remarkable than the Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace).” 

Imam al-Shafi‘i said, “Whoever advises you in private has given you sincere counsel, and whoever has advised you in public has shamed you.” There are exceptions.

If someone is struggling with something so you want to talk it through, the scholars say that anything that is mentioned out of sincere concern is not backbiting or putting the person down.  That is when the genuine concern is the good of the person.  One of the tests of that is will this likely have good consequences?  

The point is how can we have a positive influence on the person? Sometimes, the more you talk, the less effective it is.

When It’s Right to Say Nothing

Imam Abu Hanifa’s neighbor used to always make a lot of noise and play music deep into the night and it was very disturbing. Abu Hanifa realized that telling him anything would not make a difference.  He did not do anything. Then the man got sick, he was not making any noise. Abu Hanifa went and visited him, “I did not hear you last time. I’m very concerned about your health. Are you okay?”  The man was so moved by that response that he decided to change his conduct. 

Very often, the right thing to do is not to say anything. Especially in those sensitive conversations. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever believes in Allah and the last day should say the good or remain silent.” Unless what we are saying is likely to be good, we just should not say it. Not because we do not care, but because we are considering how can we address this in a manner that is likely to be good. 

You have to be very careful. A person’s spiritual heart is more sensitive than their physical body.  We should also be careful about our hearts. One of the dangers of hasty religiosity is arrogance. Before making a change, the person may have approached religion with humility, recognizing their shortcomings rather than looking down on others and having ill opinions of them.

Advice Is Care

Advice is an expression of caring for the good of others for the sake of Allah. Be careful with advice.

Abu Bakr’s father became Muslim after the opening of Makka. Things can take time. There are many other examples of people who became Muslims much later. This is not a call to be passive about giving advice, but to be purposeful, gradual, as well as considering what the person needs.  

Advice was one of the ways the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) taught. Very often, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) in giving advice, talked the person through the issue. 

A young man came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said, “O Messenger of Allah, grant me permission to commit zina.” He was so overwhelmed that he said this while the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) was with his companions. He said this from behind the people seated. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Bring him close” and had him sit next to him. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) talked him through it. In the end, the man said, “I will never even think about it again.” Then they said, he was the most dignified and restrained in his relations with the opposite sex.  

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) empowered him and helped him reason through the thing so he concluded himself.