Keep Relationships Alive

One’s etiquette in social situations is the key foundation to having strong relationships with others. This article is the thirty-first in a series taken from the On Demand Course: Discussion on Sulami’s Adab of Keeping Company.

Keep relationships alive. This presupposes that you have regular contact with the people who are in your circle of family and friendship. 

If somebody was absent, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) used to inquire about them. He used to inquire about them. He would also observe people carefully and he looked at them with the eye of care and concern. Out of concern for their good he would ask about them. 

Whatever one can do directly or indirectly, hasten to do so.

How Are You?

Inquire about them if they are absent. Know them well so you know when they are sick or in difficulty. Sometimes we have very shallow relations with people. We do not know that someone is going through medical difficulties, emotional difficulties, or financial difficulties. 

Many early Muslims did not like asking, “How are you?” Did the person who asked that question mean to ask how are you doing? No, they just said it. Is the person who responded fine? Perhaps not. Most of the scholars said it is fine because it is social courtesy but really, that is something that we should be able to answer about the people we interact with. This is not about gossiping.

Strive to be the one who hastens to help. At times, you may have to help another to open up. One of the ways you can help someone is by giving them practical things to do. If someone is going through a mental challenge you could ask them to get in touch with some friends, to try to call one person a day. Attend the mosque.

You realize someone will not open up with you. Here, you could talk to somebody else who could have that influence on them. You could give them an open offer, “I’ve noticed something different, if you ever want to talk to me I’m here for you.” Give them your contact number. Check up on them.

Networks of Support

If a question arises concerning how the above applies to women due to their busy schedules, then bear in mind that one of the attitudes of the modern material consumerist culture (which we are all affected by) is thinking of ourselves as individuals, and then we may think ourselves as a family unit.

There would be extended families. People lived as neighborhoods. Neighbors would cook for one another, share food, and share responsibilities. There were networks of family and friendship support. 

If someone can afford it, one could consider getting paid help. That is always been a part of the human experience. 

One has to see how can one set up one’s life in a manner that facilitates these kinds of priorities.  Often people eat out. If you are going to order food for the family, order a little bit extra. Order something that there is enough of, and send some of the food to another family to be thinking about.

If you cook, make extra sauce and share some with the neighbor. Buy some extra fruits and share them with the neighbor’s children, for example.

Ways to Create Connections

Think of ways to create these connections. The individualized life is stunted. While not neglecting oneself or one’s family, any sacrifice that one does do, there is a divine assistance in it. Anyone who does something for the sake of Allah, Allah grants them that which is better than it. 

It is said that anyone who does not serve, regrets. One of the great scholars of India was asked, “How did you attain so much knowledge?” He replied, “I did not do anything different from the other students but during my lunch break, I would take half an hour break, but I would spend an hour serving my teachers, and I would try to be the first person that if any of my teachers needed anything, they would reach out to me.” Allah is in the aid of the servant, as long as his servant is in the aid of others. 

It is said that work expands to take the time available.  Sometimes, having to juggle more can help one get more things done rather than floating through it. Ask Allah for assistance. We have been created to struggle.

A Broader Perspective

At times, one should not prioritize one’s mere wants over the needs of somebody else. Very often, one can make choices that think not just about me as an individual, but about myself, the family, and the others I am responsible for.Even small gestures can go a long way.

Look at the broader perspective. It is the merciful to whom Allah shows mercy. If you are just looking at the ten things you have to handle, you feel a big weight of a burden. When you have a broader perspective, that there are so many people who are in difficulty and need and that you are doing what you can to help others as well.

That helps put your issues in perspective. Do things with balance.