Tying The Knot: Self-Reformation and the Balance of Rights in Relationships – Shaykh Muhammad Philander
This is the second in a series of articles based on the On-Demand Course Tying the Knot: Rights, Responsibilities, and Balance. This course offers insights into the timeless wisdom of the Islamic teachings on marriage, helping couples and those preparing for marriage to embrace their roles with compassion, fairness, and spiritual mindfulness.
In today’s society, the concept of individualism has become deeply ingrained in our way of life. Secular systems tend to emphasize personal success, self-fulfillment, and individual rights. While advocating for personal rights is important, there is often a neglect of the corresponding responsibilities that come with these rights. In contrast, Islam teaches a balanced approach—where every right corresponds to an obligation. This principle is especially relevant in relationships, particularly in marriage, where self-reformation plays a crucial role in achieving harmony.
The Misconception of Rights Without Responsibilities
Many conflicts arise within relationships, particularly marriages, because individuals focus more on their own rights rather than their obligations. Every claim to a right necessitates someone else fulfilling an obligation. However, in modern times, many are fixated on what they are entitled to while overlooking what they must give. This selective approach to responsibilities often results in disputes and dissatisfaction.
For instance, in marital relationships, a husband may demand his rights while ignoring his duties. A common scenario is when a man insists on his wife’s duty to fulfill his physical needs, citing religious teachings, yet he himself engages in inappropriate or unfaithful behavior outside the marriage. The wife, in response, may feel justified in withholding intimacy due to his lack of trustworthiness. This imbalance demonstrates how a person may demand rights without considering the responsibilities that come with them.
Similarly, in matters of inheritance, a son may eagerly claim his rightful share of his father’s wealth while neglecting his duty to care for his widowed mother. He might argue that Islamic law grants him a certain portion, yet he has not fulfilled his responsibilities of kindness and financial support towards his mother. This selective application of religious principles highlights the need for sincerity and self-accountability in following Islamic teachings holistically.
The Misuse of Religion for Personal Gain
One of the unfortunate realities within the Muslim community is the manipulation of religious teachings to serve personal interests. Throughout history, there have been individuals who have used Islam as a tool for personal gain rather than for sincere devotion to Allah. This phenomenon continues today, where people invoke religious texts selectively to justify their desires while ignoring the full context and intent of those teachings.
For example, some individuals may use Islamic rulings to control or oppress others while ignoring their own shortcomings. A husband may remind his wife of her religious obligations towards him while failing to uphold his own duties towards her. Likewise, disputes over inheritance often arise when individuals focus on legal entitlements without fulfilling their moral obligations towards family members. This selective application of religious principles contradicts the true spirit of Islam, which calls for justice, sincerity, and self-reformation.
Self-Reformation: The Key to a Successful Marriage
A fundamental principle in Islamic teachings is that true change begins with oneself. Many marital issues arise when individuals blame their spouse, in-laws, or external circumstances for their unhappiness, rather than engaging in self-reflection and self-improvement. Instead of focusing on the faults of one’s partner, a person should recognize their own shortcomings and strive to improve themselves.
The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) emphasized the importance of patience and endurance in marriage. The ability to tolerate and endure one another’s shortcomings is a significant factor in the success of a marriage. A relationship built on patience, understanding, and mutual sacrifice is far more likely to thrive than one centered on competition and blame.
Islamic history offers many examples of individuals who attained great spiritual heights through patience in their relationships. Sayyida Asiya (the wife of Pharaoh) endured immense hardship due to her husband’s tyranny, yet she remained steadfast in her faith and was granted one of the highest ranks in Paradise. Similarly, scholars and pious individuals throughout history have demonstrated how enduring difficult relationships with patience can lead to immense spiritual rewards.
The Role of Patience and Endurance in Relationships
Patience is a virtue that holds great significance in Islam. Allah praises those who endure difficulties with patience and promises them His companionship and support. In the context of marriage, patience plays a crucial role in maintaining harmony and overcoming challenges.
Marital happiness is not about proving who is right or winning arguments. Rather, it is about who can relinquish their personal desires for the sake of a greater cause—pleasing Allah and maintaining the relationship. Many marriages suffer because individuals refuse to compromise or admit their own mistakes. However, when both spouses prioritize self-reformation over blaming one another, the marriage transforms into a source of tranquility and growth.
The scholars have emphasized that the success of a marriage is directly proportional to the extent to which each spouse can endure the other’s behavior. Even in difficult situations, enduring hardships within a marriage can lead to immense rewards in the Hereafter. The patience of Sayyida Asiya with her oppressive husband, the perseverance of scholars who endured challenging marriages, and countless other examples from Islamic history demonstrate that true endurance leads to elevation in both this life and the next.
The Role of Love and Proximity
The love and nearness we show to others, especially our spouses, is a form of sustenance from Allah. Just as Allah provides physical sustenance, He also blesses us with emotional and spiritual sustenance through our relationships.
A person once asked, “How did he attain such blessings?” The response was profound: “Because of the kindness he showed to his wife.” This highlights an essential lesson—our treatment of our spouses directly affects the blessings we receive from Allah.
The Ups and Downs of Marriage
Marriage is a journey filled with highs and lows. Some days are filled with joy, while others test our patience. It is unrealistic to expect a marriage without challenges. The key lies in how we respond to these challenges. Do we give up at the first sign of difficulty, or do we strive to improve ourselves?
There is a common saying: “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.” In marriage, this means not discarding the entire relationship because of temporary hardships. Instead, we must navigate challenges with patience, wisdom, and faith.
The Prophet’s Example in Marriage
The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) set the ultimate example of patience and kindness in marriage. His wives, despite being the best of women, would sometimes express their emotions strongly. There were times when they would not speak to him for an entire day. Yet, he (Allah bless him and give him peace) never responded with anger or harshness. Instead, his patience always surpassed his frustration.
His character was such that when others treated him with harshness, he responded with kindness. This principle is vital in marriage—when one partner is upset or distant, the other should respond with patience, understanding, and love.
Marriage as a Reflection of Our Relationship with Allah
A profound lesson from scholars states: “Let your relationship with your spouse be a reflection of your relationship with Allah.”
This means that when a person is righteous and committed to fulfilling their duties towards Allah, they will naturally treat their spouse with kindness and respect. Just as a straight object casts a straight shadow, a person who is upright in faith will have an upright relationship with their spouse.
On the contrary, when one deviates in their relationship with Allah—neglecting prayers, engaging in sinful acts, or losing sincerity—their relationships, including marriage, begin to suffer.
The Influence of Our Spiritual State on Marriage
Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyya, a great Islamic scholar, shared an insightful observation:
“Whenever I fall short in my relationship with Allah, I notice a change in my wife’s behavior towards me—even if she does not intend it.”
He explained that a man’s spiritual shortcomings impact the harmony in his home. Similarly, when he repents and strengthens his connection with Allah, peace and love return to his marriage.
Another scholar shared that when a person indulges in looking at impermissible things (such as haram images), Allah removes the beauty and attraction he once saw in his wife. This loss of connection is a direct consequence of disobedience to Allah.
Even animals respond to this principle. A scholar once remarked, “If I notice my horse or camel becoming disobedient, I reflect on my own spiritual state and realize that I have fallen short in my worship.”
When to Consider Separation
While Islam encourages patience and effort in marriage, it also recognizes that some relationships become unhealthy. A marriage should not be endured at the cost of one’s well-being.
A couple should consider separation if:
- There is no longer a healthy environment – When constant conflicts lead to emotional, mental, or even physical harm.
- Rights are being violated repeatedly – If either spouse is consistently infringing upon the other’s rights without remorse.
- There is no hope for improvement – If efforts to reconcile fail, and the marriage is beyond repair.
A Story of Patience in Marriage
There was once a man whose wife had difficult behavior. His friends advised him to divorce her, saying he could find someone better. However, he replied,
“I fear that if I leave her, she will become a test for someone else. At least I have the patience to handle her, but another man may not.”
This story reminds us that marriage is not just about personal comfort; it is also a test of patience, sacrifice, and responsibility.
The foundation of a successful marriage is a strong relationship with Allah. By rectifying our spiritual shortcomings, we can bring harmony to our relationships. Instead of focusing on changing our spouse, we should strive to improve ourselves, knowing that Allah will bless us with a more fulfilling marriage in return.
May Allah strengthen our relationships, grant us patience, and protect our marriages from harm. And may the only separation we experience be that of death, rather than conflict or irreparable differences.
