Tying The Knot: Nurturing Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy – Shaykh Muhammad Philander
This is the first in a series of articles based on the On-Demand Course Tying the Knot: Rights, Responsibilities, and Balance. This course offers insights into the timeless wisdom of the Islamic teachings on marriage, helping couples and those preparing for marriage to embrace their roles with compassion, fairness, and spiritual mindfulness.
The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) stated:
“Nikah (marriage) is part of my Sunna, and whoever turns away from my Sunna is not from me.”
This profound statement underlines the sacred nature of marriage in Islam. It is not merely a worldly contract but an act of worship and a means of fulfilling divine guidance.
We are fortunate that Allah (Most High) has granted us the opportunity to reflect upon one of the most important institutions within Islam—marriage. Marriage is a cornerstone of every household, the foundation of human relationships, and the means through which humanity has been established.
The Origins of Marriage in Human History
Marriage finds its roots in the story of our first parents. Allah (Most High) created the first human, Prophet Adam (Peace be upon him), and from him, He created Sayyidatina Hawwa (Peace be upon her). From them, multiple men and women were brought into existence, walking the face of the earth as part of the divine plan.
Through this, Allah (Most High) instilled within us a crucial realization—that despite our diversity, differences in backgrounds, cultures, opinions, and affiliations, our ultimate status in the sight of Allah is determined by our level of taqwa (consciousness and fear of Allah). The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) beautifully summarized this concept in his Farewell Sermon, stating that no person has superiority over another except in piety and good actions.
Filtering Advice Through the Lens of Islamic Teachings
We live in an era of abundant information. Advice, guidance, and opinions are readily available, often from sources that are not rooted in Islamic tradition. While we acknowledge that even non-Muslim therapists, counselors, and professionals may offer valuable insights, it is essential that every piece of advice is examined through the lens of the Quran and Sunna.
When seeking knowledge, we must ask: Does this align with the teachings of Allah and His Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace)? If the answer is yes, then we accept it. If not, we discard it, no matter how appealing it may sound.
For example, a person once approached me and asked about the concept of “energy” in Islam. They inquired whether ideas about energy fields, vibrations, and influences from others align with Islamic teachings. I responded by saying that the concept of energy is not foreign to Islam. The Quran and Hadith mention different creations of Allah—some made from light, others from fire—each carrying their own unique properties. The companions of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) even described the Nur (light) of the Prophet, which some today might interpret as a form of spiritual energy.
However, when exploring such concepts, we must be cautious. We must ensure that what we embrace aligns with the teachings of Islam and does not contradict our fundamental beliefs. If a concept promotes superstitions, un-Islamic rituals, or contradicts the teachings of tawheed (monotheism), then it must be rejected, regardless of how appealing it may seem.
Upholding Islamic Values in Marriage
In the same way, when it comes to marriage, love, and emotional well-being, we must prioritize the guidance of Islam. The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) provided us with clear criteria for selecting a spouse. He stated:
“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. But marry the one who is strong in faith, and you will be successful.”
Similarly, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) advised guardians:
“If someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes for your daughter, then marry her to him. If you do not, there will be corruption and great disorder on the earth.”
This guidance teaches us that while beauty, status, and financial stability may play a role in marriage, they should never be the primary criteria. True success in marriage lies in choosing a spouse based on faith, character, and a commitment to Islamic values.
Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy Begins Before Marriage
The process of nurturing emotional and spiritual intimacy does not begin after marriage—it starts before the marriage contract is even signed.
When selecting a spouse, a person should ask:
- Does this person have good character?
- Do they have a strong connection with Allah?
- Will they help me grow spiritually and emotionally?
For marriage to thrive, both partners must be invested in nurturing their faith and emotional well-being. A husband and wife should be sources of peace and tranquility for one another, as described in the Quran:
“And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find tranquility in them. And He has placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in this are signs for people who reflect.” [Quran, 30:21]
The Subjectivity of Beauty
Beauty is not absolute; it lies in the eyes of the beholder. Allah, in His infinite wisdom, created diversity in nature—different colors of fruits, varying tastes of vegetables, and an array of preferences among people. Just as some prefer sweet melon over watermelon, individuals have different ideals of physical attraction. Imagine if everyone found beauty in the same features—this would create imbalance, leaving many without suitable partners.
Allah designed this subjectivity to maintain harmony and ensure that everyone has an opportunity for companionship. The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) acknowledged the role of attraction in marriage. He advised a companion to look at his potential spouse to ensure compatibility, emphasizing that physical appeal is a factor in a successful marriage.
Balancing Looks and Faith in Marriage
While appearance matters, prioritizing it over faith can lead to challenges. A person who chooses a spouse solely based on physical attributes may later struggle with deeper incompatibilities. A strong marriage requires more than surface-level attraction—it demands spiritual and emotional compatibility.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) described a good spouse as someone who brings joy upon being seen. This indicates that attraction fosters love and harmony in a relationship. However, the Prophet also warned against neglecting religious commitment in favor of looks. If a couple is not aligned in their faith and values, their marriage may lack depth and fulfillment.
The Importance of Intentions in Marriage
Marriage is not just about companionship—it is a means of drawing closer to Allah. Before entering marriage, one should examine their intentions. Why are they seeking marriage? Is it for worldly reasons, or do they hope to fulfill religious duties and build a family upon Islamic principles?
Some key intentions in marriage include:
- Seeking Allah’s Pleasure – A marriage built on sincerity and devotion strengthens one’s faith.
- Protecting Oneself from Haram – Marriage serves as a shield against sinful relationships.
- Companionship and Emotional Support – A spouse should be a source of comfort and partnership in life’s journey.
- Raising Pious Offspring – Bringing up children who will pray for their parents is an investment in the Hereafter.
Setting the right intentions ensures that the foundation of the marriage is strong and spiritually fulfilling.
Marriage as a Path to Self-Improvement
A successful marriage is not about changing one’s spouse but improving oneself. Many enter marriage expecting to mold their partner into an ideal version of a husband or wife. However, true success comes from self-reformation—becoming a better person through the marriage.
Respect and appreciation are essential. A spouse should never belittle or undermine the other to feel superior. The Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) never degraded anyone; he uplifted and encouraged people instead. Similarly, in marriage, mutual growth and understanding lead to long-lasting love and companionship.
The selection of a spouse is a crucial decision that shapes one’s future. While looks play a role, they should not overshadow the importance of faith and character. A balanced approach—where attraction, piety, and compatibility are all considered—leads to a fulfilling and successful marriage. By setting sincere intentions and focusing on personal growth, individuals can build a marriage that is both pleasing to the eyes and the soul.
May Allah grant us wisdom in choosing our partners and bless our marriages with love, peace, and faith.
