What to Do If My Father Disagree with My Choice for Marriage?
Shafi'i Fiqh
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My father has disagreed with my union with someone I want to be with. His reasons are:
- His late father and my father were bitter enemies
- We are not from the same place
- He thinks his educational degree is not a match for mine
- His mother is divorced
- He says he is a gold digger
- He keeps insisting that he was told that I will die if I marry this man
No one dares speak against him in my family, so that no one can help me. I have started praying istikhara on this issue. Please, what can I do?
Answer
I empathize with your situation, sister. It is not easy to be attached to someone and then find that you cannot be with him. In Islam, you must obtain your father’s permission to marry, so your best recourse is the following:
Istikhara
Pray Istikhara: The Prayer of Seeking Guidance for seven days at least, especially at tahajjud time. Don’t bring him up with your father, and don’t talk to your suitor. Focus with a clear head. Ask Allah to truly guide you to this man if he is good for you. If you feel positive, talk to your father again.
Talk to Your Father
You don’t want to nag your father about him. If your istikhara is positive, then speak to him gently and politely, assuring him that you will listen to him no matter what. Ask him to give one more chance to sit with the suitor one last time for a final decision. Tell him that you trust him and mean it.
If He Still Says No
If he still refuses, accept it. Allah, Most High, says, “[…] You may dislike something although it is good for you, or like something, although it is bad for you: God knows, and you do not.” [Quran, 2:216]
It may be that your istikhara was positive for you to attempt it again, but not to marry him. Allah may have wanted you to learn something essential for yourself or grow by experiencing this pain. There is much good in having your father’s approval for marriage, and you don’t want to be in a situation where he disapproves and doesn’t bless your marriage.
Looking Ahead
If it doesn’t work out here, trust that Allah Most High saved you from a bad situation. Please don’t get emotionally attached to another man again. It will be hard for you and cause you distress and pain. Getting too close to a man is impermissible and clouds one’s judgment. If a man proposes, talk to him a few times and pray istikhara. The barakah (blessings) will be in keeping it simple.
Related Reader:
Reader on Parents Rejecting Suitors for Marriage
May Allah reward you and send you a perfectly suited pious spouse.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
