How to Deal with My Jealous Nature and Its Effects on My Relationship?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I met the man of my dreams, and we fell in love. He is so special and more than I deserve. He follows the right path of Allah Most High. We are in a long-distance relationship, and we decided to get married after two years after I graduate. But I feel insecure because he had a previous relationship of three years where his beloved died due to a hole in her heart.

He was lost and decided never to marry until he met me. When I ask about her, he doesn’t want to tell me to avoid hurting me. I feel he may still love his dead girlfriend but is trying to get over it.

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.

Is He the One for You?

I pray that this is the right man for you. You mention that he dated a girl for three years. Is the following Islam correctly? Does he pray? Have you prayed istikhara about marrying him? Has he? Love can blind someone, so please be sure about this decision. The Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, lineage, beauty or piety. Select the pious; may you be blessed.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

No More Dating, Just Marry

Sister, I first want to say that you should not extend this relationship without nikah (marriage contract). Please hurry to have your nikah, so your personal and emotional dealings with him are permissible. Prolonged engagements can harm the relationship and are not part of our sunna. Seek permission from both sets of parents and limit your long-distance chatting to only what is necessary to speak about until the marriage. He will keep a respectful distance until marriage if he truly loves and respects you.

Jealousy Is Normal, Even over the Dead

‘Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) reported, “I never felt jealous of any of the wives of the Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) as much as I did of Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) although I have never seen her, even though the Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) used to mention her very often. Whenever he slaughtered a sheep, he would cut it into pieces and send them to the women friends of Khadijah; may Allah be pleased with her. When I sometimes said to him, “You treat Khadijah in such a way as if there is no woman on earth except her.” He (may Allah bless him and give him peace) would say, “Khadija was such and such (commending her and speaking well of her), and I had children from her.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

Your suitor will always hold a special place in his heart for her, but you don’t need to worry about that. Every soul belongs to Allah Most High; our hearts, minds, and bodies. Our only job on this Earth is to do His bidding and protect ourselves from the haram around us. Do your best when you are his wife: fulfill your obligations, raise his children well, respect and take care of him. Pray Allah Most High gives you a long future with him and that you grow old together. Be grateful you have this chance with him, where his previous love didn’t.

Please see the articles in the link below to better prepare yourself for marriage:
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.