How Should I Respond to Parents Who Refuse Marriage for Me Until I Am a Doctor?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am a 24-year-old sister. After a few years of medical school, where we shadowed doctors as students, I realized that medicine causes me great mental distress and decreases my iman. I never wanted to be a doctor, and I hated the idea of it for myself. My parents say they will refuse all suitors until I am a doctor. I’ve made du`a and tried to persuade them for months, which causes screaming and terrible arguments. If I do not become a doctor, this will break my parents’ hearts. Will Allah be angry with me for this reason? Must I obey my parents in becoming a doctor? How can I proceed with getting married, if my parents have banned me completely?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your sadness and frustration at not wanting to fulfill your parents’ dreams, and I pray that you can come to some kind of compromise and understanding with them.
Obedience
Obedience to parents is not unconditional, and you are permitted in Islam to follow your dreams. I ask you to earnestly ask yourself, and pray istikhara if it is worth it to follow through with what you have worked so hard for, or whether turning away is the better thing to do. I don’t know. I do know that your parents don’t own you and can’t force you to become a doctor. It is not sinful to follow your dreams. I also ask that if you do leave, you be sure about your decision, and don’t follow whims and end up hating the next thing too.
Please see much more details here:
- Can I Pursue a Career That Goes Against My Parents’ Wishes?
- Should I Study Medicine or Become a Scholar?
- Do I Have to Go to the School That My Mother Wants Me to Go To?
- How Do I Deal with Controlling Parents Who Want to Choose My Career?
Marriage
It’s unfortunate that your parents don’t see the benefit of allowing you to marry according to the sunna. Although you may not marry without your guardian’s permission, there are potential exceptions, and please discuss these with a reliable, local scholar. I urge you to turn to Allah Most High during this difficult time. Make abundant du`a, especially at tahajjud time, during the last hour of Friday (before maghrib), and between the adhan and iqama for a compromise with them. Be regular with your prayers, read the Quran daily, and know that an opening will come. Allah has promised this in the Quran: “So, surely with hardship comes ease. Surely with that hardship comes more ease.” [Quran, 94:5-6]
Way Out
Seek help through your Lord and not through yourself. Find solace in the fact that Allah’s promise is true, and He will help you through this. Allah Most High has told us in the Quran, “[…] And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he could never have imagined. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” [Quran, 65:2-3]
Please see the answers here as well:
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
