How Should I Handle Abusive Parents?
Question:
How should I handle abusive parents?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am very sorry for the stress that you are going through with your parents. Please know that a parent-child relationship should be based on mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual understanding. This is a much more effective parenting method in the long-run, and I pray that you can achieve this with your parents.
Resources
First, the best thing I can advise for your situation is to read these excellent and relevant answers,
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/general-counsel/how-do-we-deal-with-parents-who-emotionally-and-spiritually-abuse-their-children/
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/general-counsel/dealing-with-a-dysfunctional-relationship-with-parents/
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/general-counsel/dealing-problems-with-abusive-father/
Excellence Towards Parents
It is true that children should show excellence to parents, but this can be done in various ways. Restraining yourself from a mean or disrespectful response is excellence to your parents. Doing what they ask when you have some free time is excellence. May Allah reward you for the restraint and patience that you have shown thus far.
Communicate
As you genuinely feel that your parents are harming you, you must find a way to distance yourself gradually and communicate. Explain to them that you need to study or work, and do not bottle up your emotions. Tell them honestly that they are hurting your feelings and that you need some positivity from them. If you feel that you cannot tell them, write a letter to them and have them read it. Remember that the degradation of a child never was and never will be the Prophetic way, and many Eastern parents need to learn this.
Temporary
It sounds like you are coming to the age of independence and want to make your own decisions, while your parents want to hold on to you as though you are a child. Rest assured that you will move out one day and marry, perhaps sooner than you think, and things will get easier, in sha Allah. Many a young person does not get along with their parents only to become their best friends after they have their own children. Just be sure not to repeat the cycle of emotional abuse when you have your own children.
Steps
-Turn to Allah, learn your personally obligatory knowledge, be the best Muslima that you can be, and build your relationship with your Lord. There is no problem that Allah sends you that He cannot solve, so ask for His Mercy and Kindness and guidance to a solution. He will surely come to your aid.
-Try journaling; once you get your emotions onto paper, it will be easier to process them and pinpoint what is bothering you and what you need.
-Spend time with good friends who are a positive and religious influence on you.
-Exercise, take your supplements and get very fresh air every day. Do not ever let your physical health suffer.
Patience
The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi] May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate your matters for you.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterwards, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
Given the considerations in such cases, please consult reliable local scholars about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr.
