How Can I Deal With My Father Who Is Angry and Unforgiving With Us?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My mother passed away when I was 14 and my grandmother stayed with us for two years. She would talk bad about us and our mother, yet my father would never do anything about it until one day my grandmother abused me and was ready to hurt me. When she was sick I tried forgiving her and helping her but my dad wanted more. So he treated me like a slave and asked me to cook for her. He also abused me and said every bad word my ears could hear. Out of anger, I wished many bad things for my grandmother and called her names. Our father is mad at us even though he was the one who forced us to be her when we hate her. I am ashamed but don’t know what to do.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your relationship with your father is not as it should be and I pray that it will improve over time. May Allah grant you patience and forbearance with him.

Anger

Anger is something that eats away at people and it is not fitting for a believer to curse his children or force them beyond their capacity. Please know that your father is not perfect, and the death of his wife certainly must have taken its toll on him and left him without many choices in life. Also, know that your father was most likely treated the same by his parent so that he knows not how else to deal with his pain and children. Please know the Prophet’s stance (Allah bless him and give him peace) on anger. Abu Hurayra narrated that a man came to the Messenger of Allah and said, “Teach me something that is not too much for me so that, perhaps, I may abide by it.” He said, “Do not get angry.” He repeated that (the request) a number of times, each time he replied, “Do not get angry.” [Tirmidhi]

Heal

I see that you are in tremendous pain after losing your mother and lacking love from your caregiver. You should build your relationship with Allah, focus on healing yourself and then save your relationship with your father.

Please try these steps:
– Speak to a therapist, contact your doctor to refer you, or call https://naseeha.org/
– Turn to Allah through patience, prayer, and supplication before dawn.
– Read Quran daily with the meaning and give charity regularly, even if only a little.
– Don’t make dua against your father, rather make dua for him so that your heart may start to soften toward him
– Avoid confrontation, and choose silence when you are angry. Your silence is respecting him.
– When you do something for him, or the house, remind yourself that you are doing it for Allah most High, not merely as a slave
– Engage in self-care; exercise, eat healthily, take supplements, get fresh air, pick up a beneficial hobby, spend time with pious friends.
– Make a plan to move out as soon as you are able, be it through marriage or be it through doing so independently.

Supplication of the Oppressed

Find solace in this hadith: The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]

Please see these links as well:
Can I Hate My Father?
How to Deal with an Abusive Father?
How to Deal With a Verbally Abusive Father?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.