Parents Rejecting The Man I Love Due To Ethnicity
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I want to get married to a converted man that I love. If my parents disapprove because he’s not Pakistani, can I still marry him since, in Islam, there is no racism due to ethnicity? Also, if they don’t have a valid reason to reject him, such as his character or whatever, would it be possible to have nikah without them? I am almost 28 years old.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I pray that you are able to overcome these obstacles with your parents and communicate with them openly and honestly. This is the best way forward for you.
No Secret Marriages
Having a secret marriage is a grave mistake and tremendously disrespectful to parents. It betrays their trust and shows dishonor and disrespect to your potential spouse and their parents. It also is contrary to the Prophetic command of making marriages public and open. Please see these links for more details:
Can I marry without my Parents consent and knowledge?
Is It Valid to Marry in Secret?
Can I Marry in Secret With the Minimum Conditions for a Valid Marriage in Order to Avoid Fornication?
The Right Way
If you really love him and find him suitable to you and your family, and you love Allah and His Messenger, then I suggest that you not follow your lust but take the path of fortitude. Speak to your parents about his character, have them meet him, and seek their permission with love and respect to marry him, even if they want to take some time to do it. Give them a chance to get to know him as well.
He should come to your home, with some Muslim elders or an imam or other Muslim friends, with a serious proposal that they cannot ignore. This will show them that he is serious and that he is willing to take this honest and honorable route with you.
Communicate with your parents openly and honestly, with respect and love, and tell them how deeply important this is to you. Promise them that you will fulfill your obligations according to religion as a daughter, wife, and mother, and it will be much easier to do it with their pleasure and acceptance. Tell them that you need them on your side and that you can’t do this alone.
Istikhara
Last but not least, no big decision should ever be taken without praying istikhara. Reach out to your Lord to seek guidance on marrying him and put your feelings aside. Follow your istikhara and choose him for religion, and in sha Allah, you will be successful. In the meanwhile, be sure that you both take a course on marriage to learn your rights and obligations. Never enter into a marriage contract without being fully prepared. I pray that Allah gives you the best in this world and the next.
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Related Reader:
Reader on Parents Rejecting Suitors for Marriage
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
