Why Was My Istikhara Positive If Our Marriage Is Miserable?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My husband and I did istikhara for marriage and also got others to do it for us (we did 5 in total between us). They all came out positive so we got married. We have been married for almost two years but we have been having problems from the beginning with constant arguing, and a lack of emotional connection or understanding. Things aren’t getting any better and I am at a point where I no longer want to continue in this marriage.
One of the reasons I think we are still together is because the istikharas were positive so I suppose we’re holding on to hope and faith that there is good in this marriage but at the moment we are struggling to see this. Why would an istikhara be positive if things were like this?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your suffering but you must know that a positive istikhara does not mean that your marriage is going to be a bed of roses; you still have to put the work into it.
New Marriage
The first year of marriage can be the hardest. Two people have to deal with each other’s egos, new habits are difficult to form and they struggle with getting to know each other’s likes and dislikes. A new marriage is not a walk in the park. Therefore, you must renew your intention to work hard for this marriage and make a huge effort to break bad marital habits, give more than you take, and start communicating more effectively. You will be forcing your cheerful countenance at first, but by Allah’s grace, it will become natural.
Islamic Standards
Make these your marital standards: Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reported the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best in behaviour to their women.” [Tirmidhi]
Try to make this your standard and in sha Allah, you will find that you never need to delay him. It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything about herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Musnad of Ahmad]
Please start with these resources, take courses, read the books, and the answers and start applying changes in your life:
Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage
Answer Suggestions:
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
I Don’t Have Any Feelings for My Wife. What Can I Do?
How Do I Deal With an Unhappy Marriage?
Can You Advise Me on Dealing With My Husband’s Strictness and Coldness?
Should I Stay with a Man That I Married in Haste?
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage
The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace
Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
