What Should I Do with a Husband I Hate? – Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I was forced into marriage almost 2 years ago and it was nothing but a disaster with endless taunts and mean treatment from my in-laws and husband. I’ve been patient & increased my prayers but nothing changed. Although my husband seems less angry and mean, my heart is not at peace with him. I strongly disliked him before we were married and still feel the same. I tend to do house chores to avoid him.
We have nothing in common, I feel no connection or love for him. I’m always anxious & only feel safe and happy when I’m not around him. I hate being intimate with him and wish I was dead but don’t want to commit sin so I bear it painfully. I want to separate but the families won’t allow it. We have no kids.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and suffering and I pray that you can either make the brave step to leave him or stay and make some kind of effort in this marriage.
Effort
A girl should never allow herself to be forced into marriage because this is what happens and only problems ensue. In addition to this, even when a couple happily gets married, there is effort required to make it work. I can see that you are putting no effort into loving him and perhaps that is why he comes back with taunts and bad treatment. The cycle is vicious and it needs to stop. Behaving like this is contrary to Islam, so if you are not being kind, loving, and emotionally present as a wife should, you are potentially sinning.
Options
I know women who have left their husbands for bigger reasons and I know some who stuck with them and hoped for the best. No doubt, the latter will not be easy, though divorce comes with its own challenges. I cannot tell you whether to leave him or not, but I encourage you to pray istikhara, consider the fact that you don’t have kids yet, and think deeply about what is better for you in the long run. You don’t need your family’s permission to divorce or request a khul`a. Also, ask yourself if you can put in the effort and turn this whole marriage around because it is possible.
Allah Most High says in the Quran regarding divorce: “And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of a settlement between them. And settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah, then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.” [Quran, 4: 128]
But if they separate, Allah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. And ever is Allah Encompassing and Wise. [Quran, 4: 130]
Resources
Use the resources below to begin mending your marriage if that is the path you choose.
Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage
Answer Suggestions:
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
I Don’t Have Any Feelings for My Wife. What Can I Do?
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage
The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace
Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
