Should I Pursue Marriage with a Girl Whose Parents Already Refused Me?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I got involved in an online text-based relationship with a girl. It was initially with the intent to get to know her and marry her soon, but we were unable to proceed. I regret my actions and inability to stop communicating with her. My parents were reluctant to accept her, but finally, I convinced them to propose. Then, her parents started creating issues. Since then, we dropped it, and I stopped all contacts, but I still miss her. She is religious, and I did istikhara. Should I try to pursue her again or go for another girl that my parents will be happier with? I am worried about whether I will be able to get over her since I bonded over shared childhood traumas. I also feel guilty and think that marrying her is the only way to make it right.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and disappointment, but I encourage you to move on and find a girl whose family will rejoice to have you.

Sin

It was sinful for you to continue chatting online with her, but I congratulate you on ending it and for your sincere repentance. I fear that your desire or lust may be blinding you, even though you had chosen her for religion as the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us to. The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) also told us, “Your love for a thing causes blindness and deafness.” [Abu Dawud] If her parents refused once, they likely won’t change their minds, and you must move on. It may seem like a mountain to climb, but find solace in that you are not the first whose heart was attached, then broken, and then healed.

Hurt

Pain and suffering befall Allah’s servants in this world, and this is what the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) directed us to do: “The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say, ‘If only I had done such and such’ rather say, ‘Qaddara Allahu wa ma sha’a fa`ala (Allah has decreed, and whatever he wills, He does).’ For (saying) ‘If’ opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.” [Ibn Maja]

Du`a

Please continue to build your relationship with your Lord, and do what you can to increase your knowledge, and devote yourself as best as you can to your obligations. Dhikr and du`a at tahajjud time are especially healing. Make du`a for a pious wife who comes with the whole package (of agreeing parents) so there is no pain or stress during the proposal.

Make this your standard for choosing a wife: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty, or her piety. Select the pious; may you be blessed!” [Bukhari & Muslim]

Please see these links as well:

• The Reality and Etiquettes of Supplication: A Reader
• Important Traits to Look for in a Prospective Spouse
• Reader on Parents Rejecting Suitors for Marriage
• Can I Ask Allah That I Marry the Girl That I Was Dating Online?
• How to Direct an Online Relationship towards a Meaningful End of a Marriage?

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.