Should I Leave My Boring New Husband?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I went out of my way to find a suitable spouse, and I found someone decent. I did istikhara and felt positive. Now that we are married, I am not sure he is the one. I do not feel any butterflies around him, and it doesn’t excite me when we are intimate. At best, he is average. Aside from his deen, which he does the bare minimum, I am not sure why I married him. I find him boring. And I am worried my marriage will feel like a chore. What should I do?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through these doubts about your husband when you are so newly married. I pray that Allah improves this relationship for you.

Grounds for Divorce

Generally speaking, being bored with someone is not valid grounds for seeking a divorce. It says in the Reliance of the Traveller:

“It is offensive to make a pronouncement of divorce when there is no need (O: need including when the wife has displeasing qualities or morals), to make three pronouncements (N: even if separate) being more offensive, and combining them in one interval of purity between menstruations even more offensive.”

Also, consider the displeasure of Allah in seeking a divorce. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “No permissible thing is more detested by Allah than divorce.” [Abu Dawud]

Grow Your Marriage

Instead, my advice to you is that you put effort into your marriage. You should form better habits in your home, which you want to see established in your marriage after twenty years. You should jazz up things in the bedroom and be creative. You should seek to improve the practice of your religion with him by attending group dhikrs with him, classes, lectures, and retreats. Everybody grows and changes with time, and those changes can be for the better if you direct and guide them to how you want your life to be. Cultivate your marriage into what you want it to be, don’t expect it to be perfect on its own.

Resources

I cannot encourage you to leave your husband because you haven’t worked on your marriage at all yet. Please use all the resources below: turn to Allah, make dua, purify your intention, form good habits and start building this marriage from the bottom up.

Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage

Answer Suggestions:
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
I Don’t Have Any Feelings for My Wife. What Can I Do?
Love, Marriage, and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage

Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.