Is It Haram for Me to Reject My Parent’s Decision to Force Me to Marry Someone?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My parents are forcing me to get married to someone I don’t want to marry. They say they’ll not pay for my education if I don’t get married and a whole year of my course is left! They are also going to cut off all ties with me if I don’t marry him. What should I do? Am I doing something haram? Am I wrong? I am in desperate need of guidance and help. I have no money, and my family is also cutting ties with me.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain and suffering; you have Allah on your side. You are not alone, so please stand by your heart.
Prophetic Criteria
The most important criterion for marriage is what we were taught by the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). He said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari; Muslim]
The above hadith applies to both genders. You should put this prophetic criterion in your mind first before saying yes or no to any suitor.
Compulsion
It is wrong for parents to force their daughter to marry someone; of course, she may not be forced into marriage at all. Abu Huraira reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “A widow must not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin must not be married until her permission is sought.” They asked the Prophet of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace), “How is her (i.e., the virgin’s) consent (taken)?” He said: “That she keeps silent.” [Muslim]
Kinship
It is not haram if you refuse to marry someone of your parent’s choice. Remember that Allah is the provider of your finances, and your parents are only a vessel. It would be haram for your family to cut ties with you. `A’isha reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Kinship (rahim) is derived from Allah. If anyone maintains ties of kinship, Allah maintains ties with him. If anyone cuts them off, Allah cuts him off.” [Bukhari]
To me, it seems your family is making empty threats that they don’t really mean. Remain polite, respectful, and open with them, listen to them, but stand by your heart and stand by your istikhara. Pray the Prayer of Need for guidance and ease in this situation.
Given the consideration, we urge you to please consult local scholars about the specifics of the situation.
Please see these links as well:
- How Do I Deal with Being Forced to Marry Someone I Don’t Love?
- How Do I Deal With Parents Forcing Me To Marry a Man That I Do Not Like?
- My Father Is Emotionally Blackmailing Me to Get Married. What Do I Do?
- How Do I Deal With a Family Who Is Pressuring Me To Marry My Cousin Back Home?
- How Does One Perform The Prayer Of Need (salat al-haja)?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
