How Do I Convince My Mother to Let Me Marry While I Am Studying?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I am a 19-year-old girl, and I will start university in 3 months in sha Allah. I want to get married, but my mother does not like the idea. She has a very dictator-like role and believes she is responsible for me, like a wali. I don’t want to wait so long and do it as soon as possible. I’m scared she will influence my father to disagree with marrying now. My dad said it was up to me and I could marry whenever I wanted. I’m scared that if I go any further, my mother could influence him into saying no. Can I go to a Shaykh and have him do the nikah for us? What do I do?
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for wanting to complete half of your religion at a young age, but I encourage you to wait and procure the blessing of both your parents.
Marriage
Early marriage is a good thing, as we are encouraged to do so by the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). It is narrated by Abdullah: “We were with the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) while we were young and had no wealth. So Allah’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, ‘O young people! Whoever among you can marry should marry because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.’” [Bukhari]
Practicality
However, I would like you to be practical. A wife has significant responsibilities, and a young woman who is a university student will not be able to put her studies first because her husband must come first. She may find herself overwhelmed with responsibilities at home and might find that her husband demands her time, or even her in-laws, etc., and she might even end up dropping out.
If he is a supportive husband and wants her to study, this is wonderful, but she may fall pregnant at any point and still find married life as a student stressful. For this reason, I encourage you to pray istikhara about marrying this man and make sure he is the one. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) advised us with this, which applies to both genders, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious, or your hands will be covered in dust!” [Bukhari; Muslim]
Steps
Speak to your mother about getting engaged for now. Perhaps a nikah a couple of years down the road is more suitable, and maybe then hold the wedding during the last year of university or after graduation. Time will pass by quicker than you think in sha Allah.
Secret marriage
I also urge you to keep a distance from him until you have a nikah. It is inappropriate to be in a relationship now. Distance will make the heart go fonder, and time will show how serious you are about getting married or whether you drop the idea after a time. Don’t fear what your mother says or doesn’t say to your father, as your destiny is written, and no one can change it. Marrying secretly behind your parent’s backs is not an option and entails great disrespect.
Please see these links as well:
- How to Explain the Advantages of Marrying Young to My Family?
- Why Do People Encourage the Marriage of Young People When They Are Not Mature Enough?
- In Love but Too Young to Marry
- Can I Marry in Secret With the Minimum Conditions for a Valid Marriage to Avoid Fornication?
- Secret Nikah
- Can We Marry Secretly without Informing Our Parents?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
