How Do I Approach a Boy Who Has Never Met Me for Marriage?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I’m an 18-year-old girl from Pakistan and a first-year student at university. I like a boy for his deen, and in sha Allah in the future, I want to marry him. I saw him last year through his Quran recitation video on YouTube, and Allah has guided me to pray and make dua. I know that Allah has said that if you want something you have to work for that but I don’t know what can I do being a girl as that boy doesn’t even know me. I want everything to happen in a halal way, but I’m from a Desi family, and if I tell my family, they won’t understand. How can I approach him for marriage and know if he is interested and then ask my family to contact him? Please guide me on this.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your not knowing what to do in the situation, and I recommend that you start by praying istikhara concerning the timing of all this.

Istikhara

You should first pray istikhara to see if this man is good for your worldly and other-worldly affairs. Although his recitation is beautiful, you don’t know very much about him, and I’m afraid that you may not be carefully thinking this out. My instinct is to tell you that your parents won’t agree to find a suitor so early in your university education and will not agree to marriage until you are done. As such, I think that you should put off approaching this matter for a couple of years at least. Although you seem to be choosing this man for the right reasons, I ask you to wait and pray istikhara concerning the timing of an engagement or marriage.

Approach

As for approaching him, when the time is right, and the istikhara is positive, you can ask a friend, a friend’s husband, or your brother, to speak to him concerning you. Involve your family from the outset, and in sha Allah, if it is meant to be, Allah Most High will make it easy.

Always keep the prophetic standard in mind: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty, or her piety. Select the pious; may you be blessed!” [Bukhari & Muslim] Please take this advice seriously and marry for religion, by the grace of Allah, you will not regret it. The hadith applies to both genders.

Please see these links as well:

• How Should I Approach Getting Married?
• How Should I Approach a Potential Spouse?
• Etiquette of Marriage: A Comprehensive SeekersGuidance Reader

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.