How Can I Overcome My Traumatic Divorce?
Question: I have been separated from my husband for 2 years, and we have 3 young children. The divorce happened because of an argument between us, but multiple events happened between my mother and his family which lead to a dramatic divorce. My husband is mad because I did not stand by him, and he does not understand that I was depressed at the time. We got the divorce papers, and now he will not forgive me. How can we reconcile with all his anger and resentment?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am so sorry that you have gone through such a traumatic divorce with three young children. It is truly heartbreaking, and I pray that Allah sends you the best thing for your life.
Separated
Sister, you have already been separated for two years, and it seems to me that you are holding onto your last shred of hope. If he has waited this long and he is satisfied to not come back to you and has sent you divorce papers, it may be that this is not meant to be. He seems determined, and I think you might have to start to accept it. Two years is a long time to try and get someone to forgive you. You do not see it now, but goodness will come from this and Allah wants you to turn to Him.
Improve Yourself
The best advice that I can give any person is to read this answer and apply the tips and read the du’as mentioned:
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/general-counsel/my-heart-feels-uneasy-after-divorce-what-can-i-do/
You must take this time for introspection and work on yourself. Make a list of your faults, and ask yourself how you can improve. Make a list of spiritual, physical, emotional and material goals, and start working toward them. You should have a growth mindset about your life and not let this divorce destroy you or throw you sideways. Also, make a gratitude journal and write down in it every day what you are grateful for.
Turn to Allah
The best first step for anyone when they are hit by a big test is to turn to Him, wholeheartedly, and worship Him to the best of their ability. Learn the basics of your religion as best as you can (right here with free Seekers courses), read some Qur’an with the meaning every day, even if only a few lines and surround yourself with positive religious people. Spend some time on self-care, eating healthily, exercising and being active, or try to do some charitable work.
Children
Your biggest responsibility right now is your children. If he does not want to continue this marriage, I recommend that you focus on getting him to spend time with the children in a regular way, and insist that he be a big part of their lives. A couple who is divorced and co-parenting generally should be talking every day regarding their child’s upbringing, homework, and overall development.
Take this opportunity, when discussing the children, to show him that you are a serious mother and will not falter when it comes to your responsibilities. He may find you gentle, caring, responsible, patient, smart and kind to co-parent with him without fighting, begging, crying, or acting out. Give him a chance to see the real you (or the new you), and perhaps his admiration for you will get you a second chance.
“After Difficulty, There Is Ease”
The words of Allah, Most High, above, promise us there is ease after every difficulty. Although you do not see it now, your difficulties are teaching you and blessing you layer after layer, and the end result is that you will be a different person. I pray that Allah facilitates your matters for you and helps you focus now on what you need to do. May Allah give you the best of this world and the next. Please see these links as well.
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/general-counsel/problems-in-my-life/
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/general-counsel/everything-going-wrong-life/
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
