Marrying Someone Who Wanted To Marry Someone Else
Question: I have received a marriage proposal and I have accepted it for the sake of my parents’ happiness as he is the son of my father’s colleague. Also, his family had proposed to another girl who rejected him. Now that he is proposing to me, I just feel like a substitute because his family just wants to get him married. My parents were happy receiving the proposal as he is well settled and well-mannered. I am very confused now.
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I pray that you can reconcile in your heart what it is that you really want and have the courage to speak up to your parents.
Istikhara
The single most useful and calming method for making big decisions is the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (Istikhara). I pray that you take advantage of this gift and ask Allah to help you decide whether you should consider or leave this person. On what basis have you accepted this man? Only that it makes your parents happy? Is he not religious? If he doesn’t pray, I can automatically tell you that he is not the right person for you. Please see these links:
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/
Get to know him
If you are having serious doubts about your decision, it will help to get to know him. You are permitted to talk to him, ask him questions, and get a sense of how you feel about him. There is no need to conceal yourself from him nor him from you. Ask him your key questions and pinpoint what is giving you doubts. Continue to pray istikhara 3 or 7 times, and make your decision. When you speak to him, keep this Prophetic hadith in mind:
“A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed!” [Bukhari and Muslim].
The second choice
The fact that he proposed to someone else before, means absolutely nothing. Please ignore that, it is only baseless misgivings from the Devil. The family may have thought that she would be good for him but Allah led him in your direction. Matches are made far before we are born and to reject a man over this is baseless. He is looking for his true match in the same way that you are. He wasn’t necessarily in love with her. And perhaps the family is following their own istikhara, then they are doing the right thing.
May Allah give you the best in this world and the next and give you the best spouse in this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
