Am I Accountable for My Evil Thoughts (Misgivings) about Islam?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I can’t sleep because I get blasphemous thoughts about Allah, Muhammad, the Quran, the Kaba Sharif and Islam. I love these all and started praying in Ramadan and then I started getting these thoughts that I can’t even repeat. I feel like I fell out the fold of Islam so I did ghusl and said the shahada.
I’m too ashamed to pray. I cry every day and I find it distressing and twitch while praying to get rid of the thoughts. Foul language and horrible nasty thoughts come and I feel like I’ll be accountable and not make it to Janna because these thoughts are so bad. These thoughts always creep up during any worship and then I stop the worship. I feel trapped with no way out. I pray and read the Quran and four Quls. Am I accountable?
Answer
Thank you for your question. First, congratulations on praying since Ramadan. Allah loves you and is rewarding you with obligatory worship of Him, this is something to be eternally grateful for. I empathize with your fear and frustration that your ego (nafs) is associating something so base with something so lofty. Rest assured that you can overcome this, by the grace of Allah.
Accountability
You are not responsible for these thoughts as long as you discard them when they come and do not speak of them. Abu Hurayra narrates that people from amongst the Companions came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, and consulted him, “We surely find within ourselves things that one of us would consider an enormity to even speak about.” So he asked, “And you have really found that (within yourselves?)” “Yes,” they replied. “That,” he replied, “is clear faith.” [Muslim]
See this link: Having Seriously Evil Thoughts
Please see this article that explains the different types of thoughts and accountability for them. In your case, you need only seek forgiveness and persist in your worship until you defeat the Shaytan and your nafs (ego). Practice pushing the thoughts away, think of it was a mental exercise. I promise that you will prevail. Also, I highly recommend that you take a course at SeekersGuidance on aqida: What Muslims Believe and Why: Dardir’s Kharida al-Bahiyya
Learning about Allah’s magnitude usually is the best remedy to discarding one’s thoughts and see them as paltry and meaningless.
Take Action
When you get these thoughts, please take these steps:
May Allah reward you and give you the best in this world and the next and purify us all from anything tainting our hearts
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
