What Should I Do to Marry a Man Older Than Me Despite Reluctant Parents?

Answered by Ustadha Saira Abubakr

Question

I am presently in a premarital relationship, which I know is haram.

The man is older than me and is willing to get married and have a family. I am only 21, and my parents feel that I am too young to get married. I physically feel the urge to get married, and I feel I am ready.

Can you please give me advice on what I can do?

Answer

May Allah ease your situation for you and reward you for reaching out to us.

The fact that you know that what you are doing is not Islamically right is a good sign. It is important to continue to listen to that voice. Also, know that having sexual urges at this age is very normal. However, it is what we do with those urges that can become problematic and haram.

I strongly encourage you to be honest with your parents and to tell them that you want to get married, as it will help you stay on the right path and not fall into wrongdoing. If they still disagree with you marrying, see if you can talk to an elder in the family and have them talk to your parents. Above all, make sure your parents are pleased with you and your choices. Try to do this after every prayer or as much as possible.

I also strongly encourage you to do the dua of istikhara to guide you regarding whom you should marry.

If, after istikhara, it is clear that you should marry the person you mentioned and your parents still disagree, then I recommend that you go ahead with the marriage to avoid falling into haram:

“There is no obeying the creation if it is at the expense of disobeying the Creator.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

In this case, make an intention (of marrying) for the sake of avoiding major sin and of doing the sunnah.

However, assuming that you do get married, it is important that you maintain ties with your parents. Leave messages for them asking about their well-being and visit them if they let you. They may not respond initially, as they might be hurt that you went against their wishes. But remember that most parents want their children to be happy, even though their views might not be in accordance with Islamic law.

Be consistent in your dua for them, inshaAllah, they will have a change of heart.

May Allah grant you the best in this World and the Next.

with salaam,

[Ustadha] Saira Abubakr
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani