What Should a Woman Do If Husband Continuously Refuses Sex?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

What should a woman do if her husband continuously refuses to have sex despite the wife often initiating it, but still refuses without any remorse?

Answer

Thank you for your very important question. This topic is becoming a more common problem than most people realize: men with very low libidos and women just wanting their rights to stay chaste and keep their thoughts pure.

This article by Shaykh Jamir is very informative and elucidates the whole matter according to the shari`ah: What Does Islam Say About the Neglect of the Wife’s Sexual Rights?

These articles will give you an idea of what to do and say: I Value the Companionship of My Husband, but He Refuses Marital Intimacy With Me. What Should I Do?

Can I Divorce Someone Who Is Not Giving Me Intimacy? (Shafi’i)

I Feel Unwanted by My Husband and Ashamed

Also, see this lecture by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam: 

Problems In the Bedroom Affecting Many Muslim Marriages and read his book: Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

Also, this article is useful in understanding that most couples have mismatched libidos but they can fix it and transform their marriage if they try.

Not Tonight, Dear: Mismatched Libidos

In short, sister, try to:

1) Be kind to your husband always, dress up for him, play and joke with him, be friendly and sleep next to him in lingerie. You could even try dancing for him before bed. You may feel that these things are demeaning to you, but foreplay is different for everyone, and it is important to fix your problem instead of protecting your ego. 

2) See if he is unhappy about another area of your marriage, because that always affects the bedroom. Are you listening to him? Are there financial problems? Is his health OK? Are the kids stressing him out? Remedy whatever you can in the marriage outside the bedroom or at least talk about it, this can relieve stress and make him relaxed.

3) Schedule date nights. When you have spent time alone with him, it can be very conducive to an intimate night. Try to do this once a week. 

Whatever you do, don’t attack him or get angry, it will aggravate the situation. May Allah give you the best in your marriage and reward you for your patience. Think of those marriages that only have intimacy a couple of times a year, be grateful you are not one of them, and Allah will increase you.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad 
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.