What do I do if I Develop Strong Feelings For a Brother I am Friends With?

Answered by Ustadha Sulma Badradduja

Question: Assalamu alaikum,

I’m a teenage sister.

I have been friends with a guy. He is a great person and a good believer, but we have fallen into the trap of shaitan and got a little carried away with our friendship. I fell in love with him. it just happened. i had no control over it. and he loves me too. since we don’t want to disappoint Allah and gain a part of his anger, we promised each other that when we grow up and are in the age for marriage, we will come back for each other and marry. since then we ended our phone contacts and even our friendship. though from heart we still do consider each other best friends.

We all realize how big a sin we have committed since a boy and a girl are not permitted to have any sort of relation ship. I want to ask you, if we have anything important to talk about, can we talk? and all the promises that we made to each other, are those valid? and can we still keep love for each other in our heart?

Please help me out.

Answer: Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I hope you are well. Thank you for your question.

Alhamdulillah you have done the right thing by ending your relationship and communication with the brother. InshaAllah you will find that Allah will place baraka (blessings and increase) in your life and your endeavors because you are striving to follow His command.

Can you talk if you have something important to discuss? You should not continue communication, especially since you know that there is an attraction between you. If you allow yourselves to get in touch, it could likely become a regular allowance you give yourselves and it will be harder to discontinue communication. If something is extremely important, consult a learned and God-conscious person for their advice on how to get the message across to the brother without unnecessary interaction.

Are the promises you made valid? There is nothing that invalidates your promises to each other to get married in the future. But there is also nothing that makes them binding upon you if your future situation calls for another line of action. You are still young and many things can happen in the future which could make marrying each other an unsuitable, or even undesirable, event. If things change in the future and you have other marriage prospects, you could consider having him be notified in an appropriate manner in order to avoid ambiguity in the issue.

Can you continue to love him? You cannot necessarily control the feelings you have towards the brother. You need to however control how you act upon them. Feeling inclined towards him because of his praiseworthy traits is fine and natural. But do not dwell on your feelings toward him too much until you are in a position to get married because it will make it difficult for you to keep your distance. When you think both of you are ready, be sure to involve your parents.

May Allah grant you success.

Wassalam,
Sulma

Checked and Approved by Faraz Rabbani