How Do I Stop Arguing with My Mother?
Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
My mum will harm herself by denying herself the basics because she does not want to spend money. No amount of talking can convince her that this is wrong and she will make herself ill over it.
I want to stop arguing with her. I believe it should be possible to have a good relationship with her despite her ways. What can I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Mother
This is very difficult situation. You love your mother, want what is best for her, but cannot understand why she insists on behaving the way she does.
It is natural for you to want your mother’s approval and praise, but it sounds like she is unwell.
Trauma
It sounds like your mother has very deep-seated trauma related to money. Please make dua for her. You may not ever understand it, but you can accept it, and learn to work with it.
If she will not listen to you – which is very common amongst parents – can you think of anyone she will listen to? For example, aunties often only listen to other aunties, or uncles will only listen to other uncles.
Respect
Even though you disagree with your mother, you still need to treat her with kindness and respect.
You have already described your many arguments with your mother. Perhaps it is time to choose a different strategy. Instead of confronting her head-on, what can you do instead? Is it possible for you to perhaps lower your expectations of her, and focus on being grateful for the positives, if any, in your relationship? Can you focus on what you both have in common?
Counselling
I suggest that you consult a holistic healer, counsellor and/or psychologist to help you cope with your feelings of stress and frustration. You cannot control what your mother does, but you can better manage your own emotions, thoughts and behaviour. Please look after yourself and do everything your power to keep yourself well.
Please focus on working on acceptance and contentment with your situation. Practice at least 5-10 minutes of mindfulness every day. When you feel yourself beginning to get flustered and frustrated with your mother, focus on being aware of your breathing.
Prayer
Please perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah for ease and a way out. Ask Allah for empathy and a better understanding of your mother.
Patience
“O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly! Allah is with As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.).” [Qur’an, 2:153)
Think of your relationship with your mother as an excellent practice for growing patience. This virtue will help you for the rest of your life, and indeed, your afterlife.
Reward
It was narrated from Mu’awiyah bin Jahimah As-Sulami, that Jahimah came to the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) and said: “O Messenger of Allah! I want to go out and fight (in Jihad) and I have come to ask your advice.” He said: “Do you have a mother?” He said: “Yes.” He said: “Then stay with her, for Paradise is beneath her feet.” [Sunan an-Nasa’i]
There is tremendous reward in treating your mother with kindness and respect, especially because it can be so difficult.
I pray that Allah sends you the gift of marriage and motherhood. Often, we better understand our parents when we become parents ourselves.
Please see:
How Can I Deal With My Difficult Mother in a Respectful Way?
Dealing With a Dysfunctional Relationship With Parents
Dealing With Difficult Parents and Keeping Promises
Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.
