I Did Something I Deeply Regret with a Woman. What Do I Do Now?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I have been dealing with an affliction (sihr) from a long time, and it has been properly diagnosed by a reliable Raqi and scholars. Some of my symptoms are panic attacks, crying for no reason, severe waswasa (repeating things, negativity about matters and others, anger and becoming stuck in little things etc.)

This affliction made me much closer to practicing Islam, but sometimes my faith decreases. I participated in a deeply sinful act with a lady, and another man witnessed it via video call. I am so ashamed, and asked forgiveness from her. Do I tell her about him?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.

Marriage

Dear questioner, please do not get married yet, especially not out of feelings of guilt. There are ways for you to let go of your guilt, but marrying the woman you sinned with is not one of them.

Your mental state is deeply concerning. Please seek out a culturally-sensitive counsellor to help you before you even consider getting married.

Marriage is a blessing. However, if you are not stable enough, then the stress of a new marriage can further worsen your condition. I pray that one day soon, when you are in a better emotional and spiritual state, that Allah will bless you with the gift of a loving and righteous wife.

Sin

Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Allah, the Exalted, has said: ‘O son of Adam, I forgive you as long as you pray to Me and hope for My forgiveness, whatever sins you have committed. O son of ‘Adam, I do not care if your sins reach the height of the heaven, then you ask for my forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of ‘Adam, if you come to Me with an earth load of sins, and meet Me associating nothing to Me, I would match it with an earthload of forgiveness.”‘ [Tirmidhi].

Sometimes, we can sin so badly we fear that Allah will never forgive us. We can lose ourselves in deep feelings of shame. Anchor yourself with the unwavering belief that Allah’s Mercy is greater than anything you can ever imagine. Please know that Allah still loves you, and that through His help, you can feel better.

It is better for past sin to be left alone. Please – do not tell the lady in question about the other man who saw her in a compromising situation. It is better for her not to know, especially as you describe her as being sensitive.

Please refer to these links to help you understand the obligation of concealing sin:

Is It Permissible to Lie In Order to Conceal Past Sins?

Healing

I strongly suggest that you consult holistic healers such as Aafiyah Healing or Elements of Healing. I pray that these will be part of your journey to recovery. You do not need to carry your burdens alone. Allah is with you, and He has placed people on this earth to help manifest His qualities of Mercy and Healing.

Self-Care

With sincere repentance, your sin is wiped away. Knowing this, please breathe through your feelings of deep regret and shame. I recommend apps like Calm and Headspace to help bring you back into your body, through paying attention to your breath. If you struggle to do this on your own, then please do not hesitate to reach out to a culturally-sensitive counsellor/therapist to help you.

Know that time heals. Give yourself time to recover, and time to move past this terrible experience.

Prayer

I encourage you to perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night. Pour out your deepest fears, worries and anxieties to Him.

Please see:

A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.