Should I Forego Marriage To Serve My Mother?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My mother has two daughters and I am the second one, 26 years old. My father and grandparents passed away and we don’t have brothers, and my mother doesn’t have any siblings. My mother needs someone to live with her. I am closer to her as she doesn’t get along with my older sister. 

She wants me to forgo marriage and live with her, so when I speak of marriage, she frowns or she suggests that I stay with her. She doesn’t teach me to cook or clean and she says I am ugly (I have heard this from others). 

I am overweight, I have PCOS, I am dark-skinned and have stretch marks. Many men rejected me from my youth until now. I believe that this is a sign from Allah to be single and stay with my mum. Is that a good decision?

Answer

Thank you for your question. 

I empathize with your plight. You want your mother to be comfortable but you also want to be happy and fulfilled. I pray that you can achieve both.

Your mother’s rights

As far as daughters are concerned, they also have equal responsibility of supporting their parents, but this is when they earn, have their own money, and are capable of doing so. (al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya, 1/564)

With regard to one’s mother, the responsibility of supporting her will be on her husband. However, if her husband (one’s father) is poor, then one will be supporting her by supporting the father. If she does not have a husband, then one will be obliged to support her, if she is poor. (Radd al-Muhtar, 3/623)

[https://islamqa.org/hanafi/daruliftaa/7933]

You must make sure that she is taken care of financially between yourself and your sister, but there is no obligation to live with her. If she needs someone to stay with her, you can come up with a solution with your sister to see who can be found to live with her, you may even end up sending your mother to her house for half the year and then to your house for half the year.

Your rights

You are every bit as beautiful as any other woman that you see on the street and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. A woman’s beauty does not lie in her measurements or her skin color, but rather it lies in her grace, her smile, her attitude, her cleanliness and good character.

You are 100% able to marry and you should and you should not resign yourself to a life of servitude to your mother. You should help her but making her your only goal is short-sighted.

Do your best with what you have

Given your life situation right now, do your best. Live with your mother, for now, serve her, be kind to her, and work together to live harmoniously in Allah’s worship.

Also, keep some material goals in mind. Study, or work and continue to learn and grow inwardly and outwardly. Become independent of your mother so you can fulfill your own needs if necessary.

Never stop looking for marriage. Pray for Allah to send you someone and ask close friends or relatives to keep an eye out for you. You deserve to marry because it completes your religion and it is the only way to satisfy your desires. The tremendous joy of having a family is unmatched by anything else, so never close that door. See these links for some ideas:

What Advice Would You Give Me to Find a Spouse?

Difficulty in Finding a Spouse and Losing Hope

Remember that once you are married, that would not stop you from caring for your mother. She could still live with you. Reassure your mother that no matter what happens, she will be taken care of. As for learning to cook and clean….Youtube. Thousands of delicious recipes and cleaning and home organizations ideas are found there.

May Allah give you the very best in this world and the next.

How Do We Deal With Parents Who Emotionally Abuse Their Children?

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad 
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.