My Parents Disagree With My Choice of Spouse. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I want to marry a man but my parents disagree because 1) He is a different nationality and my parents do not speak English 2) I want to marry and move away because we cannot practice Islam here. What do I do?

Answer: Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Balance

Dear sister, this is a delicate situation.

Your parents love you, want what is best for you, and are afraid of the unknown. In their minds, marrying within the culture worked for them, and they believe that this will work for you. Unfortunately for them, their plan will not work for you, because your worldview, priorities and values are different to theirs.

This is a heartbreaking paradox that plays out in so many Muslim migrant families, all over the world, and especially in the West.

Consult

Please consult a compassionate local scholar who can advocate for you and your prospective spouse. Is there a community elder or an elder in your family who can speak to your parents? Most parents find it very difficult to listen to their children, especially when they do not see eye-to-eye about emotionally-charged topics. An older, calm, objective voice would probably do more good.

Prayer

Please perform the Prayer of Need as many times as you want, and the Prayer of Guidance up til seven times.

The time before the entry of of Fajr is a special time. Use that time to make heartfelt dua.

Parents

Please do everything within your power to persuade your parents. In most cases, parents can be won over through patience, wisdom, and excellent character. It may take time, but please persist and do your best to win them over. Perhaps your brother can help to advocate for you.

I do not encourage rushing into marriage without their blessing, because breaking their hearts is a major sin. Marriage is a huge transition, even in the best of circumstances. You will need the love and support of your family, and if they are not on good terms with you, then you risk more than your relationship with them. You risk the happiness of your own marriage. The first year of marriage can be a very trying one, and it is even more difficult without the support of your family.

In the worst case scenario where they continue to oppose your choice of marriage, then please speak to a compassionate local scholar before you decide to marry. This is your absolute last resort, and not your first.

Moving away

Are your parents still in good health? Do you have other siblings who can help to care for them? If so, then it would be permissible for you to move away after marriage, especially because you fear for your deen in your location. Please make it a point to visit them and call them as often as you can. Continue to treat your parents with excellent character.

I encourage you to enroll in these two courses once registration opens:

1) Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages
2) Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents

Provision

Trust that if Allah has written for you to marry this man, then it will come to pass. No amount of worry and stress will change what is written for you. I encourage you to read Surah Al-Waqiah to help with your provision.

I pray that Allah grants you what is best for you in this world and the next.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.