My Husband Is So Controlling. What Do I Do?
Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
Before marriage, I was working full-time, attending circles of knowledge and had an active social life. Now my husband has become very controlling, and has made me the maid of the house. He shouts and swears at me, becomes very abusive, and says that I have no right to ever complain. I have lost so much weight through stress and made myself really ill. What can I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.
Abuse
Dear sister, your husband is hurting you. I am concerned that unless you get outside intervention, things will only get worse.
I urge you to get help, but do so with wisdom. Speak to a trustworthy local scholar and seek out marriage counselling.
Forgive me for being blunt, but please take the necessary means to not fall pregnant during this time. Many people have the mistaken belief that a baby will ‘fix everything’ in a troubled marriage. More often than not, the stress of a newborn can bring even more turmoil to a fractured relationship.
Support
Please do not suffer in silence. Abuse will only get worse if you are isolation.
Please look for a culturally-sensitive counsellor and ask for help. Reach out to trusted family members and friends. You are not alone.
Istikhara
Please perform the Prayer of Need as much as you need to, and the Prayer of Guidance up til seven times. Beg Allah to lift this tribulation from you. Observe the result of your istikhara.
Speak to your husband about seeking out marriage counselling. If your husband resists change and continues to hurt you, then that is your answer. If your husband is open to change, then that is your answer.
Divorce
For as long as you are alive, you have choices. Do you honestly see your husband changing his ways? Exhaust all options before considering ending your marriage.
Divorce is not the end of the world. It may be a release for you, and a way for you to grow into a stronger, wiser, more compassionate version of yourself.
However, if your husband is willing to change and work on your marriage, then stay and work things out. Only you can decide. Continual abuse robs you of your ability to trust in yourself, so please get help. Find ways to empower yourself enough to make the best choice for your dunya and your akhirah.
Moving forward
If you end your marriage, when you are ready, please learn from this terrible experience. Assume nothing when it comes to discussing marriage with a potential husband. Bring everything to the table. Learn your rights and your responsibilities through a course such as Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.
I pray that Allah grants you a way out of this hardship. Please keep in touch.
Please see:
My Husband Mistreats Me and He Doesn’t Pray
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers through Qibla Academy and SeekersGuidance Global. She also graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales.
