Is My Destiny to Remain Unmarried and Care for My Parents?

Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari

Question: As Salaamu Alaykum Warahmatullah,

I hope this question finds you in good health.

Can you please give some advice on finding a suitable spouse. I am a Muslim lady in my 30’s who has had no luck whatsoever at finding a suitor.

Prospective suitors have come and gone but none have expressed any interest and have at times made me feel extremely unattractive. I wear hijab and have at times felt this held me back. (Astagfirullah)

I grew up in a Muslim community that loves beauty and have plenty of beautiful Muslim girls and every year I just feel like my chances of getting married are becoming more slim. I am one of a few single ladies in my community that is faced with the same dilemma.

Can someone be destined to be alone? Can my takdeer be to rather look after my parents until their old age?

I have made plenty of duahs for contentment but sometimes feel like there’s something better out there that Allah wants for me and I should just be patient. I just wish that path can be made clear for me. Should I stop searching for a husband ? I am so confused.

Is there a duah I can recite that would bring me some answers or a duah for a suitable spouse?

Please offer some guidance.

Answer: In the Name of God, the Gracious, the Merciful

Dear Sister,

Assalamu alaikum,

I pray this message finds you well.

God Most High says, “Truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find rest” (The Qur’an, 13:28).  He also says, “And if My servants ask thee about Me – behold, I am near; I respond to the call of him who calls, whenever he calls unto Me: let them, then, respond unto Me, and believe in Me, so that they might follow the right way.”

(The Qur’an, 2:186).

It is never too late to stop supplicating for a righteous spouse. Abu Hurayra, may God be pleased with him, reported that the Prophet, God bless him and grant him peace, said, “When one of you makes a supplication, he should not say, ‘If you wish.’ He should be firm in asking and he should have great hope. God does not think that anything that He gives is too great'”(Bukhari, Al-Adab al-Mufrad). In that vein, you should frequently recite the Qur’anic verse: “Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous” (25:74).

Your supplicating God for a righteous spouse does not contradict being content with His decree. You can continue to supplicate, while continuing to do your duty by your parents and make the best of your circumstances. Indeed, while you are single is the time to do the sort of things that become difficult when married, such as devoting yourself to extra worship, intensive study, and community service.

In the meantime, do not give up your search. Discuss with your parents, relatives, and friends ways to widen your circle of contacts and consider traveling with your parents to venues where you might meet a prospective spouse, even if that means leaving the country (if feasible, of course).

Finally, don’t let negative self-talk get you down. Hijab is not an obstacle to getting married. God willing, if you stand by your values, you will find someone of similar integrity.

May God make your path in this life easy and give you all the good of the next world,

Zaynab