Is It Better to Be Seen as Rude or Not Being Upfront?
Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah
Question: Assalamu alaykum
When people ask me questions that I don’t want to answer, I usually try to avoid the question or refuse to answer. I do this because I don’t want to lie, nor be ill-mannered. Would it be better to explicitly tell the questioner that the answer is none of their business?
Answer: Wa’alaykum assalam. Thank you for your question.
The answer to this question largely depends on what is being asked. The Prophet ﷺ told us that ‘The religion is sincere counsel’ [Muslim] and that this applies to both leaders and common folk.
Etiquette when dealings with others
Helping others through answering their questions, offering good counsel and guidance is a part of charity, and not only does the person in need benefit, but ultimately so does the person fulfilling the need or answering. This is mentioned by the Prophet ﷺ when he said, ‘Allah helps the servant as long as he helps his brother’. [Muslim]. This applies to both worldly affairs and those of the Afterlife.
Therefore, the believer strives to fulfil the needs of others when and where able. At times this can be obligatory, such as when no one else can answer the question, at times recommended, and at times, one may be excused from answering (see below). Irrespective of whether one should answer or not, one should always strive to be friendly and approachable, and avoid being curt, offish, rude, or hurt another’s feelings with words and disagreeable facial expressions. The Prophet ﷺ said, ‘A believer is affable and easy to approach. There is no good in those who are neither affable nor easy to approach. [Ahmad]
In regards to this, Imam al Haddad also offers advice, ‘Try to gladden the hearts of believers in every possible way, as long as these ways are not sinful … Always smile at believers, show them an engaging friendly face, speak well to them, be gentle and ‘lower your wing’ to them.’ [The Book of Assistance].
This may not always be possible, as none of us are perfect, and dealing with some people can be a testing. It’s natural to feel irritated or disinclined to speak sometimes or to certain people, but generally speaking we should strive to be affable and approachable most of the time.
Dealing with questions
If the questions posed are not of a personal nature to you, such as a general questions relating to worldly affairs, or question pertaining to the religion, then if you know that no one else can answer the questioner then it is obligatory to answer their question. It is sinful to hold back information. Mullah Ali al Qari, in his Mirqaat al-Mafaateeh explaining another hadith on giving advice to a fellow believer, says, ‘If he asks you for advice’ means if he asks you for advice, then give it to him; it is obligatory.’
If there are other people who can answer the question, but the questioner has come to you, you may either direct them to other people, or answer the question yourself if you are qualified to do so. This is because giving advice and answering questions is a communal obligation, as stated by al Hafiz Ibn Hajr in his Fath al Bari.
If the nature of the question is personal, then if there is no harmful intrusion into your personal life and you feel there is a genuine reason why the questioner is asking such a question, then try to give them as much information that will be of benefit for them without compromising any of your privacy. For example, if they ask you how much you earn, then you don’t need to tell them the exact amount you earn if you are not comfortable with such a question, and can merely say, ‘It’s enough (or not) to live in this city’ etc, or use humour to answer, such as ‘Not enough!’
If you sense that the questioner has no reason for asking, but is merely prying into your personal life, or you feel harm or envy on their behalf, or when you have already answered the question before, then in these cases, you could refuse to answer or just repeat what you have said before. At the same time, one should avoid being suspicious of others without genuine reason. However, even when you don’t answer the question, try to do so in a way that does not cause enmity or hurt, but rather smile and say something like, ‘Please excuse me, the question is a little private, so I’d rather not answer.’
I pray this has clarified things for you. May Allah make us of those who are patient with others, and make others patient with us.
Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah
Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.
