I Got Too Emotionally Attached to the Woman I Want to Marry. What Do We Do?
Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I am interested in marrying a young woman. However, we got too emotionally involved, and our parents do not want either of us to get married for at least a year. How should we act while we wait?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Parents
Please speak to your families about starting the formal marriage process. I advise you against waiting so long before your nikah.
Please do your best to balance the wishes of your families, as well as your needs as a couple. Approach your parents with honesty and respect. Expect them to express disappointment, and strive to work with them, as best you can.
Boundaries
Because you have both sinned in the past, then it is doubly important for both of you to keep a respectful distance from each other.
Both of you have contributed to this emotional entanglement. You can make this better by taking responsibility for your part in this by stepping away. This will give her the opportunity to make her repentance. A true expression of sincere concern for her involves you having the courage to pull away.
The young woman you wish to marry is responsible for her own emotional well-being. She is an adult, like you are, and is accountable for her own actions.
Interactions
Please keep your interactions to a respectful minimum, especially as you do not have the blessings of both of your families. Once you begin the formal marriage process, then you will both have more opportunities to interact, with your families present. There is an automatic protection present when your families are involved. There is inherent risk when they are not.
Please refer to A Reader on Gender Interaction.
Education
I encourage both of you to do this course Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.
Consider listening to lesson sets and podcasts to nourish your hearts. SeekersHub has a range of wonderful courses you can choose from.
Barakah
Marriage is a lifelong process. It would be wiser for you to begin this step with as much barakah as you can. Make a conscious commitment to begin your marriage talks with your families as soon as you can.
I pray that Allah blesses you with a tranquil and loving marriage that brings you both closer to Allah.
Please see:
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)
Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.
