I Broke up With a Man and Cannot Stop Thinking About Him. What Do I Do?
Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I broke up with a young man over a year ago, cannot stop thinking about him, and want him back. What do I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Love
Dear sister, you are suffering from heartsickness.
The love that comes with marriage is different to what you describe. It is a steady, calm, contentment that comes with building a life together for the sake of Allah.
The longing and heartache that you describe is not the love that Allah places in the hearts of a husband and a wife. What you are feeling is driving you to despair, depression, and distance from Allah. No man is worth that.
Moving forward
Please perform the Prayer of Guidance about marrying this young man, and then leave it for Allah to unfold. If he is destined to be your husband and is good for your deen and dunya, then he will find a way back into your life. If he is not, then nothing you can do can make it happen.
Marriage takes far, far more than initial attraction and infatuation. I strongly encourage you to enrol in and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages
I pray that this course will teach you about the spirit and the law behind a successful Islamic marriage. This will require a lot of maturity on your part, and tremendous wisdom in terms of who you choose to marry. Marry someone you can grow and change with, someone who can help you raise righteous and kind Muslim children, and someone who can bring you closer to Allah.
Fresh start
“Among the signs of success at the end is the turning to God at the beginning.” – Hikm of Ibn Ata’illah
Speak to your family. Tell them that you’d like to get married to a man of good character and deen. Get them involved from the start and do your best to uphold excellent character and patience throughout the entire process. Marriage is more than two individuals – it is also about two families coming together.
Strength
It takes strength to move forward. Please do not allow Shaytan to fool you into despair. I encourage you to empower yourself with beneficial knowledge, and seek comfort in the remembrance of Allah.
Listen to SeekersHub’s podcasts, lesson sets and enrol in a course for the sake of occupying your mind and heart with goodness. Set aside time every day to read Qur’an, make istighfar, and salawat. Give in regular charity. Be of service to the needy – either help in a community organisation, or help someone in your family.
Please consider speaking to a culturally-sensitive counsellor to teach you strategies to lift yourself out of your depression.
I pray that Allah grants you the courage and clarity to make a choice which is most pleasing to Him.
Please see:
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
A Reader on Repentance
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long
Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.
