I Am in an Impermissible but Healthy Relationship. What Should I Do?
Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah
Question: Assalamu alaykum
I am in a relationship which I know is haram and we have also done haram in the time we spent together during meetings and now people are getting suspicious but as a couple we are helping each other islamically which is making our attachment even stronger and harder to break. What am I meant to do?
Answer: Assalam ‘alaykum. Thank you for reaching out to us.
Though the situation may feel complex to you, the solutions are actually very simple. There are only really two options for you both: You either get married or you break up. There is no third option.
Getting Married
Allah Most High has commanded us to keep away from going anywhere near unlawful relationships, ‘And approach not fornication; surely it is an indecency, and evil as a way’ [17:32]. ‘Approaching fornication’ begins with the eyes and ears, then speech, then touch, and so on.
If you are both suitable for marriage, then I first suggest you have your friend speak to your father directly and ask for your hand in marriage, or, have his family approach your family. If you are serious about being with each other, then marriage is the only lawful way for this to happen. Allah has permitted us to marry in order to preserve chastity.
Breaking up
If marriage is not an option, then you must break off the relationship, for your sake and his. Breaking up means cutting off all communications with each other (including text messaging, etc.). If this needs to be done, send an email stating what needs to be done, and then move on, without going back and forth.
It may be hard, but the reality is that you cannot help each other Islamically if your being together is unislamic. While love is an important factor in any relationship, the true and highest meaning of an Islamic relationship is that which is done for Allah, and within the boundaries Allah has set forth.
If you really can’t get married, breaking up may be a true sign of your concern for one another, in this life and the next.
Repentance
Whether you marry or not, you must both pray salat al tawba. This consists of two cycles of prayer, sincere du’a for forgiveness, and a genuine and firm resolve not to return to the sin again (including talking with each other without need). I would also recommend giving some charity as a way of atonement, even if a small amount.
I wish you all the best, and that Allah guide you both to that which is pleasing to Him, and increase you in obedience to Him.
Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah
Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.
