I Am 36 Years Old, Unmarried and So Lonely. What Do I Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I am a 36 year old male who is still not married. I have been making du’a for the last eight years but I am still not able to settle down. Is marriage not in my decree? I’m so worried and lonely.

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Marriage

“How many an animal there is that does not carry its provision. Allah gives provision to it as well as to you, and He is the All-Hearing, the All-knowing.” [Qur’an, 29:60]

Dear questioner, I hear your pain. It is natural to want to get married, especially after eight years of making dua. Only Allah alone knows what your destiny is, and I pray that Allah blesses you with a righteous and loving wife.

For some, marriage is written early in their lives. For others, marriage is written later. There is wisdom in both scenarios. Please do not lose hope in the mercy of Allah.

I strongly encourage you to read this book – Before You Tie the Knot. It offers you many insights into the realities and challenges of marriage. Please listen to this lesson set: Getting Married, with Ustadha Shireen Ahmed and Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Trials

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that: The Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “He whom Allah intends good, He makes him to suffer from some affliction.” [Bukhari]

This world is a place of tribulation. Through your personal pain, there is tremendous opportunity for you to draw closer to Allah. You were created to know Him, and that alone will give your heart rest. Even the sweetest of wives cannot fill that ache in your heart.

Dua

Please perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night. Read Surah Al-Waqiah to increase your provision. Give in charity with the intention of facilitating marriage for you.

Service

What are you doing to be of service? Do you have elderly parents whom you can be of service to? Do you have siblings and other close family members, such as uncles and aunties? Do you have nieces and nephews?

Before marriage busies you with your wife and children, I encourage you to be there for your family. You have the gift of health, youth, free time, and disposable income. These are all blessings, and means of you attaining Allah’s pleasure.

Company

Who do you have to keep you company? Do you have family and friends? Although their companionship is not the same as that of a wife, it is better for you to have good company than to be alone with doubts. Shaytan feeds on your despair.

Self-care

“The ones who believe and their hearts are peaceful with the remembrance of Allah. Listen, the hearts find peace only in the remembrance of Allah.” [Qur’an, 13:28]

What are you doing to look after yourself? How are your prayers? How regularly are your reading Qur’an? Are you attending regular circles of knowledge?

Calm yourself. Ground and comfort yourself through the remembrance of Allah. When you are calm and trust in Him, then you are far better able to choose a suitable wife for yourself. Hungry people are far more likely to choose poorly.

Blocks

Is there anything in your life that needs improvement? Do you have any debts that need to be cleared? Please be honest with yourself.

I pray that Allah keeps you patient until He moves you into the next phase of your life.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersGuidance Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.