Husband with High Physical Needs

Answered by Shaykh Farid Dingle

Question: Assalamu alaykum

My fiance has told me that he is not amongst normal men. He has a medical condition which makes his libido very strong. He is practising Muslim and takes the religion seriously.

He says he will need approximately 2-3 hours in the bedroom and will then feel tired. He mentioned the doctor he visited as a child said this will affect his marriage.

How to deal with such a situation?

Answer: Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Dear questioner,

Family is a relationship that expresses the love and veneration of Allah in various aspects. One of the major aspects of marriage is bedroom relations, that being because it is the means through children enter the relationship, and because each partner fulfills their physical and emotional needs through this Sacred relationship.

Allah Most High has said, ‘And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.’ [30: 21]

‘They Are Your Garments And You Are Theirs’ [2: 187]

The scenario that you describe, makes your being a garment for him which demanding, and it is very good and wise that he mentioned that in the beginning.

If he is really going to need you for 2-3 hours a night every day, that is going to be very significant on your marriage. Given that he has not been married before, it may not be an accurate estimation. But, assuming it is, you should think carefully and then discuss with him the following points:

1) When you intend on having children?

If he is very sexually demanding, you might not be able to have kids straight away, and when you do, pregnancy and child rearing will affect the frequency and interest you can invest into that aspect of your relationship. He has to be aware of that. You should ask him is he is willing and able to provide significant domestic help to allow you the time and rest needed to support his needs.

2) What if you can’t keep him satisfied?

Are you willing and is he able to consider him taking a second or third wife in order to keep his needs in check? If not, how do you think you can deal with this problem. Without prying or going into too many details, you should ask him how he has dealt with it so far?

3) Your career

For many men at 25, their careers is kind of in its beginning stages and providing for a family isn’t easy. Do you have a career that you and he wish to continue? If so, spending hours in the bedroom everything night will definitely take its toll, especially after you have kids. You need to discuss how you could both survive on his income alone.

4) Is this really the case?

If I were you, I’d speak to a/his doctor so see if what he describes is really true. If this is something that might happen once or twice a week, then it shouldn’t really be a problem. The issue is when you realise this man simply cannot get enough, you just can’t keep up with as a mother, lover, career woman etc.

I pray this helps,

Wassalam,
[Shaykh] Farid Dingle

Counselling disclaimer: This answer has been written specifically for this questionner. Please consult a local scholar or ask us your question if you are experiencing similar issues.

Shaykh Farid Dingle grew up in a convert family in Herefordshire, UK. In 2007, he moved to Jordan to pursue traditional studies. Shaykh Farid continues to live in Amman, Jordan with his wife and kids. In addition to continuing his studies he teaches Arabic and several of the Islamic sciences.

Shaykh Farid began his journey in sacred knowledge with intensives in the UK and Jordan (2004) in Shafi’i fiqh and Arabic. After years of studying Arabic grammar, Shafi’i fiqh, hadith, legal methodology (usul al-fiqh) and tafsir, Sh. Farid began specializing in Arabic language and literature. Sh. Farid studied Pre-Islamic poetry, Umayyad, Abbasid, Fatimid, and Andalusian literature. He holds a BA in Arabic Language and Literature and continues exploring the language of the Islamic tradition.

In addition to his interest in the Arabic language Shaykh Farid actively researches matters related to jurisprudence (fiqh) which he studied with Shaykh Hamza Karamali, Shaykh Ahmad Hasanat, and continues with Shaykh Amjad Rasheed.