My Husband Has Cut Everything out of My Life. What Can I Do?
Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah
Question: Assalamu alaykum
After marriage my husband has cut everything out of my life, I do not visit my friends, I don’t visit my family and parents often and if I do then I have to fight to be allowed to go. I have become nothing more than a maid in this home. I am slowly dying inside.
What can I do?
Answer: Wa’alaykum assalam sister, I’m very sorry to hear about the hardships you’re facing. May Allah bring ease to your life.
Marital issues can be very sensitive and it’s usually difficult to ascertain the details and reasons involved in the issue in order to offer real solutions. To provide support and advise from a distance is very limited especially as these cases need following up. For this reason, it is imperative that you seek out a trustworthy third party to help you get through this. Is there a family member (on either side), friend, or local scholar you can speak to?
Abuse of rights
The Shariah provides rights to both husband and wife, and these are meant to be fulfilled with goodwill, consideration, love, and wisdom. It is true, the law does afford men a certain amount of legal control over his family, and this is a huge responsibility that is not to be abused or transgressed. For most people, it’s often a fine line between commanding one’s rights with force and transgressing those rights. However, Islam doesn’t not implicitly or explicitly, condone or promote abuse of another person, spouse or otherwise, whether that abuse is physical or psychological. No one is meant to suffer at the hand of another.
Steps to Take
If it is possible, speak to or write a letter to your husband telling him everything that you are feeling. Be honest and try not to attack him in your words, as this will just make matters worse. Try to ascertain if there is any bad feelings or motives there that is causing the issue. Be sure to tell him how low you are feeling and that things are severe. By addressing these matters, from both your side and his, perhaps his insecurities and jealousy might stop.
If talking to him is not an option or doesn’t work, then try to find outside support, such as the people I mentioned above. If not, then try to speak to a qualified Muslim marriage councillor for advice and support. If you can, try to get your husband to go through counselling with you, but if he won’t, then see if you can get support yourself. If a Muslim councillor is not possible (or you feel they are not qualified enough) then seek counselling from a qualified non-Muslim councillor who is culturally sensitive.
If they are not available, then you could ask your husband for a divorce. When you do, try not to get angry, but explain to him that there is no point living in such a miserable and unfulfilled way.
If none of the above is possible then you could try to contact this group. They have a good reputation for their level of help and support. However, please bear in mind, that some of the advice they give will not be religiously sensitive, and therefore use them for general advice and support, but if you are not sure if any course of action they propose is permissible in the shariah, then please do try to talk to a scholar before making any drastic decisions.
The above steps are based on the information you have given. If there is more to the situation, such as you feel that you may be on the brink of a mental breakdown, or the abuse is on a different level, especially physical abuse, then you have the right to leave the house and seek support directly.
Finally, whilst taking the means above, and as I’m sure you know, please continue to make Allah Most High your first, last and continual source of hope, support and goal. As with any trial, hardships and lows are worldly tests for us, and despite how forsaken we may feel, Allah Most High is always near. Even when down, keep up with the obligatory prayers, and make remembrance of Him whenever you can, for Allah Most High says, ‘So remember Me; I will remember you’ [2:152]. And whomever Allah ‘remembers’, is indeed blessed and never alone.
May Allah bring peace and comfort in your lives. You are in our dua’s, please keep us in yours.
Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah
Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.
