How to Deal with My Husband Who Is in a Relationship with Another Woman?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I discovered my husband sent very affectionate texts to a lady.

One message read, “You do know we are in a totally haram relationship?”
She replied to that, “Tawba.”

I confronted him, and he blackmailed me, saying I won’t see him again if I asked about this. He also said it was only texting and flirting, and nothing physical happened. He deleted her number and blocked her as soon as he snatched his phone back. I asked to text or speak to her, but he got angry and refused and says it was all behind him now.

Do I believe him because he has lied before?

He denied having photos of her, even though I saw them, and upon confrontation, he said nothing. He has never taken photos of me in 18 years of marriage or texted me like that.

Do I conceal his mistakes? Do I stay? Can I tell my brothers so they may help me to move away from him?

Would that be considered backbiting or haram?

Answer

Sister, this is heartbreaking, and I empathize with your pain and distrust. May Allah help you through this, make you strong and patient, and give you the best outcome.

First, you need to get a couple of things straight. You can’t trust what he says. He is lying to you and has been in a haram relationship with this woman. It is not just flirting. He probably slept with her. Could you not believe a word out of his mouth? His texts and photos are the proof you need.

Please see this link to see how to deal with betrayal:
Dealing with betrayal

Next, I would pray istikhara and the Prayer of Need about staying or leaving. Ask Allah to guide you and take your time with it genuinely. Pray it for 21 days and especially before dawn when Allah is looking for supplications to answer. Whatever decision you make will affect the kids, you, him, and your families. However, don’t let shame or embarrassment stop you from making the right decision. Some men are never able to prevent cheating, while others can change. Perhaps, a second chance is all he needs.

It is not backbiting, in this case, to get advice from family. They are there to protect you and help you, and that is the purpose of a girl having a wali in her marriage in the first place. Your husband needs to know his actions will be taken to task and that he has to answer to a group of people. It is not seen as backbiting or slandering because you are seeking help. Allah never asks His servants to stay silent and suffer. He should be admonished and made to feel the magnitude of his sin.

Act according to your istikhara; if it is positive, it will take a lot of work. Marriages like this can be saved. You will need therapy, and you will need to strive to connect and communicate with him and not repeat the old habits of your marriage. Try to make things better.

If it is negative, you should tell your family, ask him to divorce you, and proceed with a lawyer, custody battles, and all that ensues. It won’t be easy, but if you feel strongly about leaving, you should.

All the while, take care of yourself, exercise, see your friends, turn to Allah and be the best Muslim you can be, and focus on your kids. Remember Allah because “truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find peace.” [Quran, 13:28]

May Allah give you the best in this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.