How Should I Handle a Wife Who Hits Me and Then Claims That I Hit Her?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I am in a dark and confused state, and I don`t know how to deal with my situation. My wife has raised her hands toward me many times. Many times, I told her not to become physical towards me; otherwise, she would get hurt, but I did not retaliate. Two-three times, I shoved her hands away from me with anger when she tried to hit me, and she got a bit hurt during that. She is claiming that I hit her when I defended myself and did not initiate. As a husband, what should I do here?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, and I pray that your wife learns that violence doesn’t solve anything.

Sin

It is sinful to hit someone, especially one’s husband, and you must not accept it. I suggest you do everything in your means to help your wife out of this bad habit, as it is not likely to get better. I can guarantee you that she will hit your children as well.

`Abdallah bin `Umar reported God’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) as saying, “Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock. The imam who is over the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is a shepherd in charge of the inhabitants of his household, and he is responsible for his flock; a woman is a shepherdess in charge of her husband’s house and children, and she is responsible for them; and a man’s slave is a shepherd in charge of his master’s property, and he is responsible for it. So each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock.” [Bukhari & Muslim]

Steps

Try these steps:

-Ask your wife to apologize for hitting you, repent, and never repeat it. If she does, call the police and file a report of assault

-Tell her that you both must go to marital counseling

-Register her in an anger management course.

-If she refuses to listen, sleep separately from her for a while.

-Ultimately, if your wife refuses to change, you should pray istikhara about serious options for you and your children.

Turn to Allah

I encourage all victims like yourself to turn to Allah in daily practice by fulfilling your obligations to Him first. Trust in Him, rely on Him, supplicate to Him, and empower yourself to do your best regarding your situation. Find solace in praying on time, dhikr, reading the Quran, and seeking answers within Allah’s book. Take help and advice from those who friends, relatives, elders, or a local imam. Remember that Allah can change someone at will and accept their repentance. Allah is with you, and your reward will be great because you are being patient with her.

And Allah Most High has said, “Indeed, Allah defends those who believe. Surely Allah does not like whoever is deceitful, ungrateful.” [Quran, 22:38]

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.” [Bukhari]

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next with a wife who loves you, supports you, and treats you well.

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.