How Should I Deal With My Abusive Retired Father?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

Since my dad retired from his job, he keeps insulting my mom and my sister. Every day, there is a new issue with him. If I say something to him he gets angry easily. He even threatened to leave my mom. 

Is there any dua that you can give me?

Answer

Retirement is not a happy old couple walking on the beach

Thank you for your question. It is very common for retirees to go through a loss of identity, anxiety, and depression. According to Forbes magazine, retirement is the tenth most stressful event in life all by itself, without the addition of a major illness or death of a spouse or anything else. It says,

“In other words, we have to stop painting this perfect picture of retirement and start sharing what can happen if people don’t have a plan for the non-financial aspects.  We have to teach people… that a successful retirement isn’t one without problems, but rather one in which they learn to overcome them.

… we should be teaching people about resilience and positive psychology instead of just asset allocation and stock market returns. What’s interesting is that if you look at the list of stressors, only a handful are financial whereas the majority of the list hits on mental, social, physical, and spiritual issues.  A valuable insight into the direction retirement planning needs to go.“

Your father needs to adjust

I am not defending your father’s behavior, but know that he needs to adjust to this new lifestyle and this is probably causing his abusive behavior. I have seen two people retire in my life and I attest to it being a difficult transition especially when coupled with health problems, lack of energy, and the novelty wearing off too quickly. 

It can take a year or two to settle down as a retiree and come up with a new routine, goals, and habits. Please recommend the following article to your father.

8 Tips for Adjusting to Retirement

Be supportive and communicate

Tell your father that his behavior is hurting everyone and that you all support him and love him unconditionally. Encourage him to find good friends, spend time in worship, and take up a beneficial hobby. Help find things to keep him busy, and pray with him. 

When he gets angry, don’t engage him, but communicate when he is calm. Ask Allah to help you through this phase and to guide you all and give you patience. Fulfill your obligations to your Lord, He will certainly assist you. 

May Allah give you the best in both worlds.

Here are some duas that you can memorize and recite every day:

Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing

Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to please consult reliable local scholars or counselors about the specifics of the situation. Jazakum Allah khayr. May Allah facilitate all ease and good for you.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad 
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.