How Do I Cope Up With Losing a Suitor?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’m a 26-year-old girl. I got a proposal and wanted to know this person to get married to. We got emotionally attached and used to talking every day. I told him I would try to convince my father as he wanted me to finish my studies. Later on, I wasn’t sure about him either, but I was giving him hope because he was a religious person, and I wasn’t able to decide.
After a year and a half, he told me he couldn’t wait anymore. That day, I called him and gave him hope again, but later on the same day, I suddenly said to him that I was going to block him and didn’t want him because I felt sinful talking to him. I was confused; he cried a lot and was shocked. I’m so sad. Am I evil for breaking his heart? What should I do? It’s so hard.
Answer
I empathize with your sadness, but I ask you to realize that he was not just a suitor; you had progressed into a haram relationship with him, and the consequences were inevitable.
Move On
You both made a mistake by talking for a year and a half, and he should have done the correct thing by going to your house with his father to propose. I am not sure why this didn’t happen. It is in the past; now, his heart is broken, and you need to leave him alone; you wasted enough of his time.
I pray that you both turn to Allah after all this, devote yourselves to Him, and choose a spouse for religion, and not drag them or lead them on, but marry in the right way.
You should repent and intend never to get close to a man unless you are getting to know him for marriage with your parent’s permission and come to a decision quickly. Always pray istikhara when deciding who to marry, and keep this prophetic advice in mind:
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty, or her piety. Select the pious; may you be blessed!“ [Bukhari; Muslim] This applies to both genders.
When you repent, don’t despair of Allah’s mercy. Allah Most High has told us in the Quran, “Say: My servants who have wronged yourselves, never despair of God’s mercy. God forgives all sins: He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.” [Quran, 39:53]
Du’a
Please make this Quranic du’a daily:
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍۢ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
˹They are˺ those who pray, “Our Lord! Bless us with ˹pious˺ spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts and make us models for the righteous.” [Quran, 25:74]
Please see these links as well:
How Can I Get To Know a Young Lady for Marriage When Gender Interaction Rules Are So Strict?
Should I Be Regularly Texting a Suitor That I Hope to Marry?
Reader on Parents Rejecting Suitors for Marriage
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
