How Can I Sponsor My Mother and Still Fulfill My Duties to My Wife?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My wife is from the US and I am from Pakistan. Prior to marriage, I had asked her that my widowed mom stay with us and she consented. But soon, she started fights over my mom and used that as a threat to our marriage. We had a big crisis where both of us and our families made mistakes. Alhamdulillah we overcame them and had been working on building our marriage.
Recently I told my wife again that I want to sponsor a green card for my mother. I also assured she will share time with my brothers (who are unable to sponsor her) so that my wife is not overwhelmed. She previously agreed but asked me to wait but now using various excuses to deny what she promised and giving me ultimatums.
How can I address this? I want to take care of my mom and fulfill my duties to my wife, too.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I pray that Allah makes this difficult situation easier for you and that He aids you in taking care of your mother and wife, fulfilling their rights well.
Mother
A mother’s rank is great in Islam, especially when she is a widow, so your intention to help her is a great example of filial piety.
Abu Huraira reported that a person came to Allah’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) and said: “Who among the people is most deserving of a fine treatment from my hand? He said: ‘Your mother.’ He again said: ‘Then who (is the next one)?’ He said: ‘Again it is your mother (who deserves the best treatment from you)’. He said: ‘Then who (is the next one)?’ He (the Holy Prophet) said: ‘Again, it is your mother.’ He (again) said: ‘Then who?’ Thereupon he said: ‘Then it is your father.’ [Muslim]
Living Quarters
In terms of Islamic law, your wife has the right to private living quarters. There is great wisdom in giving your wife the space she needs to raise your children, but at the same time, it is commendable that you want to bring your mother near you and take care of her directly. You must get your wife to understand this and stop accepting her excuses. Sponsor your mother now and make a plan with your brothers so the work is shared. You might consider getting your mother her own place to live near you, so you can help her easily, and still give your wife freedom. The longer you wait, the harder it will get.
Dua
With issues like this, I encourage you to be devoted to your Lord and supplicate sincerely. Pray on time, read the Quran daily, and give charity regularly. Please see the duas linked below daily, and memorize them. Perform the Prayer of Need, preferably during the last third of the night, seeking Allah’s aid to fulfill your needs and that he soften your wife’s heart. Communication with your wife is important, show her that you love her and want to do your best for her, too. Tell her you are not choosing between her and your mother, rather tell her that you fear God and want to fulfill your obligations to both well.
Please see more details here:
Supplication for one whose affairs have become difficult
Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems.
Having to Live With My In-Laws Is Difficult. What Do I Do?
Is It Obligatory for a Woman to Look After Her In-Laws?
My Wife Doesn’t Get Along With My Mother. What Do I Do?
I Am Stuck Between My Mother and My Wife. What Does Islam Say?
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
