Can I Marry the Man I Love in Secret Because I Already Live With Him and My Parents Don’t Approve?

Question: My parents don’t approve at all of the man that I want to marry. I live with him, but I will keep my virtue until marriage.  We talked about getting married in secret until my parents approve in the future, but right now, I don’t know the Islamic rules when it comes to that. I don’t want to disobey God when we are together.

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. Your situation sounds a little tricky, and I pray that open communication and istikhara can lead you to make the right decision.

Roommates

I am not sure why you live with him, but it is prohibited and sinful to live alone with a man who is not your mahram (unmarriageable family member). You should immediately move out until you pray istikhara and decide what to do. I can’t make this decision for you, as you may never obtain your parent’s permission in the future. Please see these links for tips on praying istikhara:

https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/articles/general-artices/the-reality-of-istikhara/

Options

If your istikhara comes out positive, you should not marry in secret, but openly tell your parents that you feel positive about marrying him. Plead for their permission, have them meet again, give them time, and if they refuse, the superior thing is to walk away from this man. You don’t want to start a life with someone who doesn’t get along with your parents because of the undue stress on you and the marriage. Your parents deserve more respect than this. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “You never leave something for the sake of Allah, except that he replaces it with something better for you.” [Musnad of Ahmad]

If your istikhara comes out negative, you should leave this man and intend to marry someone with your parents’ permission. There are always great blessings in making decisions in your life that are in line with Allah’s pleasure and Islamic law; please don’t make light of them. Also, it would be best if you never made a decision based on what might happen, but rather, make decisions based on what is currently in front of you. I see that you are in an illicit relationship, living illicitly, with your parents’ disapproval. Is this guy really worth it? Does he think that it’s OK for you to anger your parents and your Lord for him?

Resources

See these links for more details on the conditions of a nikah and secret marriages:
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/hanafi-fiqh/minimum-steps-must-taken-marriage-valid/
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-marry-secret-minimum-conditions-valid-marriage-order-avoid-fornication/
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/hanafi-fiqh/valid-marry-secret/
https://seekers.flywheelstaging.com/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-we-get-married-without-involving-our-parents/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjQtETvhbsIMay Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.