Should I Reject a Proposal That I Don’t Feel Good About?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I recently got a proposal for marriage from someone, and my heart and mind isn’t ready to get married to him. My istikhara was negative, and I still get a feeling not to move forward with the proposal. They are planning to come and see and talk to me, and my mother is satisfied with the proposal. What should I do? Should I just go with my gut feeling of not marrying him or reconsider?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your fear and struggle, as you should not be forced into marrying anyone. Take the means to do what is right, follow the sunna, and have courage.
Communication
The first thing to do is to tell your parents that you don’t accept this proposal. Back it up with your istikhara. Tell them how you feel. If you really want to be fair, talk to him and consider it for real. Then make your decision and tell them that it just won’t work and that you honestly weighed it. Be polite, don’t get angry, and maintain respect, but be firm and courageous. Don’t waver.
Explain to your parents that you hope for someone better: Abu Qatada (Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Most High but that Allah will replace it with something better for you.” [Ahmad]
Marry for Religion
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, and this applies to both genders, “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or her piety. Select the pious, or your hands will be covered in dust!” [Bukhari & Muslim] Allah will make your decision easy, by His grace, if you set your intention right and marry for religion.
Turn to Allah
Turn to your Lord in the meanwhile by learning the religion correctly and applying it in the best way that you can. Pray on time, read the Quran every day, memorize some, pray istikhara, and make dua in the last third of the night for clarity and guidance. Take a course on marriage with us to prepare yourself. Guard your heart, and don’t get emotionally attached to any man, until you marry with your parents’ blessing. Submit to that which Allah facilitates and leave that which Allah makes difficult, and you will find peace in the decision, in sha Allah.
Please see these links as well:
- Istikhara, The Prayer of Seeking Guidance: The Ultimate Guide – A Reader
- What Are Some of the Signs of a Positive or Negative Istikhara?
- How Do I Deal with Being Forced to Marry Someone I Don’t Love?
- Can My Mother Force Me to Marry Someone?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
