Should I Leave This Marriage as My Husband Complains about My Looks and Education?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I feel upset after marriage because my husband thinks I am not beautiful and under-educated. He also has issues with the spots on my back and face. After hearing all this, I feel upset. After he went abroad and I stayed back in my home country, he stopped me from using his card. Overall our marriage is unhappy. I don’t want to stay with him as I am not being respected in this relationship, and also I feel suffocated at times to be with him. I tried to love him, but apparently, I disgusted him.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that your husband is mistreating you, and I pray that you make the right decision for yourself. Please don’t let him tear apart your confidence, as you are perfect the way you are.
Education
Educating yourself is something that is done for the sake of Allah, not for the sake of people. That being said, you wouldn’t be the first woman whose husband wanted her to have more education; honestly, you should consider it. I know women who decided to study more at their husband’s prompting, which benefited them both tremendously. Of course, learning your religion should be done alongside secular education.
Looks
Your husband is wrong to complain about your looks or your spots. That being said, men usually need more eye candy than women. If you have an open discussion with him about your spots, you can discuss options, discuss your comfort level and see if anything can be done about them.
Also, make an effort to carry yourself with grace, your clothes should be well-put together, and you must stay in shape and be healthy. After this, I recommend that you be patient with his complaints. Consider all the factors that make you unhappy and happy in this marriage. Please pray istikhara, consult those around you, and make your choice according to what will make you a better practicing Muslim.
The Best Spouse
Our Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) has taught us the standard of being a good Muslim spouse. It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything concerning herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Ahmad]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The most perfect of faith of the believers is the best of them in good character – and the best of you are those who are best to their wives.” [Tirmidhi]
Make Allah First
I encourage you to guard your prayers, review your obligatory knowledge and surround yourself with practicing sisters. Study the Quran, at least read it daily with the meaning and make dua at every auspicious time. Use your problems to gain closeness to your Lord. Remember that Allah has sent you this problem, and he can send you the solution. Seek Allah’s aid through this process, and it will be easy. Regardless of your husband’s complaints, you are in a new marriage; any new marriage needs hard work. Peace and tranquillity don’t come without effort.
Resources
Please look at the books, courses, and answers below, and strive to apply the knowledge in your life. By Allah’s grace, you will see a change.
Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage
Answer Suggestions:
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
I Don’t Have Any Feelings for My Wife. What Can I Do?
I Feel Unwanted by My Husband and Ashamed
Love, Marriage, and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage
Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
