Should I Divorce When I Have Lost Respect for My Husband After All These Years?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My husband is a bad person to me. He is narcissistic and lies to avoid doing the right thing for his family. I have tried to get help from religious scholars and his parents to intercede many times. I have finally, after years of trying and suffering and being patient, got to the point that I have given up on him altogether and do my best as a single mother to my two teens, though I am married.
But I am afraid I am of the rebellious ones because I refuse to listen to him on anything that he is foolish or immature about. I long for a real husband. I have struggled with the idea of a woman who is married to a fool, and she is supposed to obey, and he takes advantage and ruins her life.
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for your immense sacrifice and for patience, and may he transform your situation into something better for you.
The Islamic Marriage
In Islam, the best wife is described as this. It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything about herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Ahmad]
Naturally, the same is said of the best husband: Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reported the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best in behavior to their women.” [Tirmidhi]
I feel that both of you have work to do if you really want to succeed in this marriage, and I know that you feel you have given up, but I urge you to try a different approach.
Please start with the resources in the links below.
Nushuz (Rebelliousness)
The rebelliousness that is described in the Quran is explained here, and only you know if are behaving like this, and only you can cease the behavior.
- Defining Ill-Conduct (Nushuz) in Marriage
- How Can I Help My Mother Despite My Abusive Father? (definition of rebelliousness found within)
Divorce
It’s very difficult for me to tell you if you should divorce because I haven’t heard his side, and I don’t know you personally. However, I can tell you to pray istikhara, use the following resources, and apply them to ensure that you have indeed tried everything because marriages are generally worth saving.
Given the considerations in such cases, we urge you to consult reliable counselors about the situation’s specifics.
Resources
Answer Suggestions:
- Istikhara Prayer
- Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
- I Don’t Have Any Feelings for My Wife. What Can I Do?
- Is My Marriage Still Valid?
- Should I Stay Married Even Though I Hate My Husband Because of His Bad Character and Irreligiousness?
- Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Book Suggestions:
- Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage
Article Suggestions:
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
