Should I Distance Myself from a Same Gender Friend That I Am Attracted To?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I am a 23-year-old Muslim man struggling with strong emotional and physical attraction to a male friend. Our bond initially focused on deepening our understanding of Islam, but my feelings have led to jealousy and distress.

I considered distancing myself without revealing the reason, but he insisted I stay.

What is the best course of action Islamically? Should I distance myself for personal growth, or is there another way to handle this?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I commend you for staying within the boundaries of your Lord and His Messenger, and I advise you to keep minimum contact with him to reduce and control your urges.

Friendship

If the basis of your friendship was learning the deen to draw close to your Lord, your intention will be rewarded by His grace.

Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,

“Seven are (the persons) whom Allah will give Shade of His Throne on the Day when there would be no shade other than His Throne’s Shade: A just ruler; a youth who grew up worshipping Allah; a man whose heart is attached to mosques; two persons who love and meet each other and depart from each other for the sake of Allah; a man whom a very beautiful woman seduces (for illicit relation), but he (rejects her, saying): ‘I fear Allah’; a man who gives in charity and conceals it (to such an extent) that the left-hand does not know what the right has given; and a person who remembers Allah in solitude and his eyes well up.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

However, if maintaining the friendship continues to trigger jealousy or distress or causes you urge that compromise your peace of mind and iman, it is wise to gradually distance yourself. Do it kindly and respectfully, and you don’t have to tell him the exact reason; just mention that you are going through something personal. You might choose to get together with him in a group and not alone; you don’t have to end it abruptly.

Tips

• Strengthen your relationship with Allah through regular prayer, and tahajjud.
• Make abundant dhikr, especially when lustful thoughts come.
• Read and reflect on the Quran daily.
• Exercise regularly, take supplements, and get fresh air in nature.
• Drastically reduce screen time.
• Redirect your energy into productive activities, such as community service, volunteering, halaqas of sacred knowledge, and charitable deeds.
• Reach out to a trusted imam or knowledgeable elder or friend for advice.
• Maintain boundaries with anyone that you feel attracted to.
• Make abundant dua that Allah purifies your heart and gives you what you need in a way that is pleasing to Him (a wife, etc.)

Dua

Say the following du`a for expressing your neediness to Allah and seeking His guidance daily:

اللّهُمّ إنّي أسْأَلُكَ الهُدى وَالتُّقَى وَالعَفافَ والغِنَى

“O God, I ask Thee for guidance, piety, self-control, and competence.” [Muslim]

Please see more details here:

• How Do I Reconcile Between Wanting To Live as a Homosexual and My Studies To Become a Muslim Scholar?
• How Do I Address My Homosexual Feelings?
• Can A Male Fighting Homosexuality Touch Other Men?
  Homosexuality Archives – SeekersGuidance
  Purification of the Heart for Youth: Diseases of the Heart and Their Cure – YouTube
  The Path of Muhammad: Birgivi’s Manual of Taqwa Explained – YouTube
  Purification of the Heart: Signs, Symptoms, and Cures of the Spiritual Diseases of the Heart: Hamza Yusuf
  How Does One Perform The Prayer Of Need (salat al-haja)? – SeekersGuidance
  Prayer of Repentance: Salat al-Tawba – SeekersGuidance
  A Reader on Tawba (Repentance) – SeekersGuidance

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.