Should a Wife Obey Her Husband or Care for Her Sick and Poor Mother?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

Should a wife prioritize obeying her husband or caring for her sick and poor mother, who has no one else to help her, when she cannot provide financial support but wishes to serve her?

Answer

Thank you for your question. Obedience to the husband and caring for your mother are both important duties, and you should not have to choose one. However, obedience to the husband is the priority.

Mother

Allah Most High said in the Quran,

“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age (while) with you, say not to them (so much as), ‘uff,’ and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” [Quran, 17:23]

A person came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) and asked, “Who among people is most deserving of my fine treatment?” He said,

”Your mother.” He again asked, “Who next?” ”Your mother,” the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) replied again. He asked, “Who next?” He said again, “Your mother.” He again asked, “Then who?” Thereupon he said, “Then your father.” [Bukhari; Muslim]

Husband

Abu Huraira said that when God’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) was asked which woman was best, he replied,

“The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves.” [Nasa’i; Bayhaqi]

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) also said:

“If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. If a man commanded his wife to move (something) from a red mountain to a black mountain, and from a black mountain to a red mountain, her duty is to obey him.” [Ibn Maja]

Balance

Communicate with him that you want to help your mother according to your duties in Islam. Come up with a plan together on how often you can go there and how long you can stay. Try to prepare things at your house for her and take them over. For example, try cooking food at your place and taking that over instead of cooking at her place. Reassure him that his rights won’t be ignored. A positive and loving attitude toward him can do wonders. By Allah’s grace, he will let you help her within reason, and your children will do the same for you.

Dua

Please make these Quranic duas daily:

 رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيراً

“My Lord! Be merciful to them as they raised me when I was young.” [Quran, 17:24]

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَاماً

“Our Lord! Bless us with (pious) spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” [Quran, 25:74]

Please see more details here:

• Looking After Parents or Husband
• How Can I Help My Mother within My Husband’s Limits?
  How Do I Balance Between My Sick Mother and Husband?
  Should I Listen to My Husband or My Mother?
  How to Balance Between Caring for Your Parents and Your Husband?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.