How Should I Deal with My Wife Who Won’t Let Me Send My Mother Money?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My wife and I are happily married. We are both working and have been making decisions mutually. She has been sending money to her dad due to her own commitments with him. Recently, we started the process of purchasing a house (primarily for her own comfort).
I want to send money to my mother, and she has been totally against it. Her rationale is that it will affect our finances for the house. I explained to her my responsibilities and gave her a roadmap of how our finances can be managed, but she is unwilling to compromise on the budget and now making inflated budget and less important expenditures as emergent.
This has created fights in our relationship. Can you guide me if I am doing wrong or how should I deal with her?
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for your patience, and may He grant her the foresight to see that she is wrong to hold you back from helping your mother.
Wealth Doesn’t Decrease
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to help your mother, and you cannot let your wife stop you. Serving your mother in this way is a tremendously good deed and will lead to, in sha’ Allah, her pleasure and the pleasure of Allah Most High. Unfortunately, the attitude that giving way money out of charity decreases one’s wealth is faulty, and unless your wife gets rid of this attitude, it will be hard to convince her.
Please tell her this: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Charity does not decrease wealth, no one forgives another except that Allah increases his honor, and no one humbles himself for the sake of Allah except that Allah raises his status.” [Muslim]
Baraka
Additionally, there is a baraka that comes into one’s life when one helps one’s parents. Baraka is defined in this way: Barakah is a term that means an “increase” and “growth”- and also, happiness. It is the establishment of divine goodness in something; from whence it exudes cannot be sensed by people, nor can it be outwardly quantified, nor is it limited by anything, but rather, something with baraka in it is called mubarak, and has an unexplainable increase and benefit in it from Allah. [Isfahani, Mufradaat al-Quran] According to this explanation, your wealth will increase by helping her!
Find out your obligations here: Fiqh of Financially Supporting One’s Parents and Relatives.
Future
The bottom line is that if one shows stinginess now and doesn’t help one’s parents, the tables will eventually turn, and one’s own children will not help you. This is the wrong attitude, the wrong way to live life; this is contrary to Islam and very short-visioned.
However, I urge you to deal with her patiently, not fight, and continue to make your point gently without hurting her feelings. Keep emphasizing how important it is to you, and tell her that you can’t change your feelings on this subject. (Make an emotional argument, not a logical one) Tell her your heart will break not to help your mother. Guarantee her (even swear to her) that your wealth will not decrease and her rights will not be affected. Allah will fulfill your promise, by His grace.
The Rank of the Mother
Finally, remember the words of our beloved Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace): Abu Huraira reported that a person said, “O Messenger of Allah, who amongst the people is most deserving of my good treatment? He said: ‘Your mother, again your mother, again your mother, then your father, then your nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness).’” [Muslim]
Please see these links as well:
- Goodness to Parents – A Reader
- Bringing Barakah Into Your Wealth and Life
- Should I build my house or help my mother?
- Will I Be Rewarded for Financially Supporting My Parents?
- The Rights of the Parents: Attaining Honor by Serving One’s Parents. [Recommended Course]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
