How Do I Survive the Pain of My Daughter Cutting Ties with Me and the Whole Family?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
Our daughter has cut all ties with her family for no apparent reason. She accused her father of untrue things and said she wouldn’t ever speak to him because she needed to take care of her mental health first. She also cut ties with everyone in the family.
This all happened when my mom had a stroke and a heart attack, and she has not asked about her grandmother. I’ve tried to reach out and visit her in London, but she refused to see me, even though she said I didn’t do anything wrong. Our hearts are broken, and we don’t know how to handle this. I would appreciate any advice you can give me.
Answer
Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for your tremendous patience and for being positive and loving despite the pain she is causing the whole family. And I pray that your mother is feeling better.
Ties of Kinship
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “The one who maintains ties of kinship is not the one who reciprocates. The one who maintains ties of kinship is the one who, when his relatives cut him off, maintains ties of kinship.” [Bukhari]
You tried to apply this hadith in your life, and you were unsuccessful in seeing her in London, but you were successful in Allah’s view because you tried to reconnect with her when she was cutting you off.
Be Positive
The best thing that you can do is be open and loving with her. You can write her a letter, or send her a message, hopefully, she will read them. When you do get a chance to interact with her, display good character, and be kind and loving instead of making threats and demanding to know why she had cut you off. Let your character speak for itself, and she will realize her mistake with time. Make dua that Allah guides her and gives her the know-how to navigate life and deal with problems head-on. Make excuses for her behaviour because perhaps she has suffered in a way that you were unaware of.
When she thinks of you, she should only think of you in a positive way. Follow this hadith in how you deal with her: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah is Gentle and loves gentleness, and He grants reward for it that He does not grant for harshness.” [Ibn Majah]
When she comes back, and she will come back, by the grace of Allah, accept her wholeheartedly.
Turn to Allah
I encourage you to respond to this trial with prayer on time, dua, patience and not giving up. Read the Quran daily, avoid consuming food that is haram or doubtful, avoid usury, and protect your eyes from the impermissible. Strengthen your ties with your other relatives. Channel your hurt into supplication at tahajjud time and remember that a parent’s dua is heard and answered.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Three supplications are answered without a doubt. The supplication of the oppressed, the supplication of the traveler, and the supplication of the parent for his son.” [Tirmidhi; Abu Dawud].
Say this dua as well:
“.إِنَّا للهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ ، اللَّهُمَّ أَجِرْنِي فِي مُصِيبَتِي ، وَاخْلُفْ لِي خَيْرًا مِنْهَا”
“We are from Allah and unto Him we return. O Allah take me out of my plight and bring to me after it something better.” [Muslim]
Please see this link as well: Will Allah Hate Me for Cutting Off My Toxic Mother in Order To Protect Myself?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
